Dear Readers,
I am sorry I have been silent for a while. The past nine months have been excruciating for me, dealing with a deeply personal loss, so my soul has been wretchedly and horribly broken. Many times, I could not even leave the house. Most days, I forced myself into the bath and to get dressed. I asked God to take me, since I'd lost my passion and purpose, no longer wanting to tred this earth without the ONE who calls to my heart. The physical separation with my twin flame (Divine Masculine) has been unbearable. I went through the Dark Night of the Soul, which feels like you've "died a thousand deaths." It also feels like your limb has been cut off and you're perpetually bleeding out, with no end in sight of the pain. I don't wish it on my worst enemy.
But spring is here, April is my birth month, and alas, renewal!
There are things to look forward to, and I feel like I am coming out of that deep depression and mourning. Yes, I have been mourning deeply. Wearing black. Telling the world how broken and sad I have felt. What is the difference between mourning and grieving? Well, MOURNING is the outward expression that you are grieving a loss. It is the expression of an experience of loss or time of grieving that follows a loved one's death or serious loss. Depression, confusion, even losing interest in friends and social activities can occur when someone is in mourning.
GRIEVING is simply the act of going through deep loss and sorrow, and it may be done in public or private, depending on the person's state of mind. It is the FEELINGS you are experiencing over your loss.
I have noticed something very profound in my grief story. No one understands it. I feel so alone at times. When I joined a church recently, hoping to find some like-minded females who've gone through loss and mourning, all I found was complete IGNORANCE and stupidity. They kept doing the spiritual by-passing of "give it to God" or "let me lay hands on you and pray for you."
Well, that sort of ignorance and mean behavior doesn't work, people! Loss is loss, pain is pain. The person grieving has to go through ALL the stages of that loss, and then PROCESS everything they are feeling. How does one heal from their loss? They acknowledge what they are feeling, then they speak of it OUT LOUD, over and over, til they are sick of talking about it. Then, guess what? One day, you're sick of hearing about your own pain and depression. You somehow come out of the fog and make peace with it, and reach a point of ACCEPTANCE.
Those ignorant people in the church have NO CLUE what loss or grieving is. I was fuming mad, I walked out of there, and a woman in that church had the nerve to badger me with phone calls and texts even though I firmly stated "I won't be coming back." She doesn't get it. None of them do. They dismiss my pain and just say "turn your eyes upon Jesus and let him be the master of your life."
What does that even mean???? Shake my head. They are walking Bibles, quoting verses and statements and ideologies, just like robots, and they can't even FEEL what I am feeling. Hello, are you even HUMAN? Is there a brain in there or a heartbeat? I've never been so angry and furious over one group of people in my life.
Needless to say, my attempt of coming out of my tomb and trying to get a social life again just totally backfired. I realized, though raised in the Christian church my whole life, I am not at all your average garden variety "Christian." I don't fit into the box or the mold of what those sheeple expect me to be. They are just followers with no real thoughts or feelings of their own. They have to be brainwashed into believing something and then somehow that makes it the Gospel Truth? There is also the arrogance so many of them have when they look at me and preach "it must be God's will, not YOUR will."
How do you people even know what God's will is? Do you have a direct line to his mind? Or a USB cable to his thoughts? Are you so chosen and holy that he only speaks to this one group of people? It's pure insanity, the arrogance that has been shoved down my throat. I cannot be in their presence while I am grieving this loss and feeling this hurt.
Sorry that I went off on a tangent there, but I feel this topic needed to be addressed. Being among that flock just triggered all my old childhood wounds of religious abuse and control at the hands of my sociopathic mother who shamed me and broke me down. The anger that I felt in that congregation just set my temper ablaze and I finally asked myself after four weeks of attending that place, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE ANYWAY?
I wanted to add that the Jesus I know is a gentleman. He doesn't force people to do something or think a certain way. He asks in a gentle voice for you to come to him.
Love makes all hard hearts gentle, so I've been told. LOVE is what I need right now, not petty judgments or opinions about what THEY think God's will is for my life. The most hurtful thing this church did to me was try and dismiss my love and grief for my Beloved, my Divine Masculine, who is no contact right now with me. "Is he a Believer? Does he know the Lord? Don't be unequally yoked."
What a load of crap! It isn't enough that they kick me while I am down, but to throw salt in my wounds and mock me too...I am outraged!
God's Will IS to have us together. We have a Divine Mission. My Divine Masculine is my soul's counterpart, created by God, for us to come together in UNION. He is the master of this divine plan, for my twin flame and I to experience a beautiful union and raise the vibration of the planet!!!!!
Separation is necessary for the Ascension process. Both twins must work through their wounding, their past hurts, generational and ancestral pain and karmic ties. Once we heal on our own, we come back together, in a beautiful and sacred UNION that blesses both us and the world. I have finally surrendered this love and given it up to God, knowing and trusting that in perfect divine timing, my Beloved and I will be together at last. There will be holy matrimony. There will be BLISS. There will be laughter again. But most of all, there will be LOVE, so much love.
My desk calendar for April 12th bears a quote that I love (from a man named "George" no less. He was my twin's father, who loved and ADORED me as if I were his own flesh and blood).
The quote says "Love Makes All Hard Hearts Gentle." George Herbert.
I like to revel in this. To sit with it for awhile and let it fully sink in, knowing that my love is powerful enough to soften the hardened heart of my twin flame who is dealing with so much loss (his parents both passed) and dealing with over 32 years of an illness in his body. Soon, I will see the wonderful and blessed outcome of how my compassion for him has helped him heal. That in itself will be a glorious day. When he returns to me, finally, I will welcome my Divine Masculine WITH OPEN ARMS. Because he was made for me, by the pure hand of God, and WE were born of DIVINITY, of that Sacred Fire.
Til then,
dear readers,
I bid you adieu.
Much Love,
RR
