Day #16 -- The 100 Day Gratitude Challenge -- Give Someone A List of Qualities You Like About Them

Dear Readers,

Today is Gratitude Day #16 of the 100 Day Gratitude Challenge.

I'm pleased to be writing about my daughter today. Today's theme is "Give Someone A List of Qualities You Like About Them."

I really can't say enough about this young woman who's grown from a sweet, quiet child into a smart, animator, computer whiz, artist and all-around lovable human being.

What can I say? I'll take credit for raising her as a single mom all these years (wink wink).

My Rachel is an Aries. I am Taurus. That means, from time to time, the "Ram" and the "Bull" might lock horns or butt heads. Come on, it's a given. Fire sign, Earth sign...but it happens rarely.

We're housemates, friends, confidantes, and basically, we just love each other fiercely.

I can't imagine my life without my Rachel Elizabeth. She arrived in April 1999 and my life has never been the same. She's taught me patience, long suffering, how to truly love another human, and many more necessary life lessons. She inspires me daily to never give up, to keep marching to my own drum and to be consistent on my path of self discovery

.

Here's my list of qualities that I love in her:

1) Blunt, honest. Always tells me the truth when I need to hear it.

2) Unconditional love. It's what I need. everyday. She accepts me for me, and I think only ONE other person on this planet loved me that way. May he rest in peace.

3) Independent thinker. She doesn't need anyone to tell her what to think or how to think. She knows what she wants and is clear about it.

4) Funny. Gut-busting funny. Sometimes I spray my beverage across the room when she pulls some comedy on me.

5) Steadfast. She might encounter obstacles, but she never gives up.

6) Compassionate. I've seen her give food or money to a friend at school who was down and out. She's also given money to the homeless. My heart melts when I hear of this.

7) Beautiful, so beautiful, with her clear skin, long hair and blue eyes. Heads turn. I'm proud to be her mama.

8) Happy. I always hear her, howling with laughter over random jokes and funny films she is watching with friends. That makes my heart happy, to know I've raised a happy person.

9) Smart, and not just book smart. Good with money. Careful at budgeting funds. Clever. Street smart.

10) Imaginative, creative, artistic. She can make amazing art on the computer. animation or paintings. I think she gets the artistic side from me, the writer.

Rachel, I Love You. Don't ever change. My heart is full of gratitude to have you as my loving daughter.

I will always be here for you.

Love,

xx Mom xx

ALL ALONG, I WAS A SOMEBODY

Dear Readers,

Does any of the following sound familiar?

When I grow up, I'm going to BE SOMEBODY.

When I'm older, I'll be a millionaire, debt free, with a huge house, nice car, and all the material goods, toys, yacht, motorhome, house in the Hamptons, luxury clothes, and others will envy me for it. Then, and only then, will I BE SOMEBODY.

When I find "the right person" then I will BE SOMEBODY.

When I marry into money, I'll BE SOMEBODY.

When I finally publish that screenplay or bestselling book, I'LL BE SOMEBODY.

When I'm the news anchor for a major network on TV, then I will BE SOMEBODY.

When I get that PhD in medicine, philosophy or physics, I'll finally BE SOMEBODY.

When I buy that classic car and cruise through my neighborhood and down the freeway with the wind in my hair, I'll BE SOMEBODY.

When I lose 50 pounds and look like Heidi Klum in a tight fitting cocktail dress, men will chase me and fall at my feet, and dammit, I'll BE SOMEBODY.

When I get that Botox, breast augmentation, or other cosmetic surgery to "fix" my God-given face and body, and if I Keep Up With The Kardashians,  then I will finally BE SOMEBODY.

When I've booked that vacation to the Caribbean and I'm on the beach in my hot pink bikini showing the world my tight body, then I will BE SOMEBODY.

How many of these limiting beliefs did you recognize about yourself?

I know I definitely did. While I was growing up in a blue collar family, these beliefs were projected onto me and indoctrinated heavily into my innocent mind, and I grew up believing if I was blue-eyed and sun-kissed with a size 2 body and long, flowing blond hair down my back like Christie Brinkley or Niki Taylor, then I would finally BE LOVED AND ADORED BY MEN.
My mother did all this to me. She was always on a "30 day fast" to lose 30 pounds. She told me all my life, if you don't keep your figure slim at size 6 or your weight at around 107 pounds, then you will deceive your husband for not staying the original size in which he met you.
She was constantly on a diet, obsessing over food and weight. Luckily, I never went that route. I did one day grow up, get married and have a child. I lost my slim figure and traded it in for a shapely but healthy woman's figure "with curves." Guess what happened? Men STILL chased me. In fact, I got more attention with those curves. I had CONFIDENCE and SELF ESTEEM, knowing I had grown into my own skin, the body that God gave me, even with society-dubbed "flaws" -- and it was fine!!

All my life, I was told "you'll be a somebody...if only you had A, B, and C..."

Later, in my thirties, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism/Hashimoto's which wreaked havoc on my immune system, hormones and weight. Mom's voice again chanted at me: "lose 40 pounds and a man will love you."

My heart sank. I couldn't imagine that a parent could place such strict conditions on her love for her daughter. What she was REALLY saying was "Rochelle, I don't accept you the way you look right now. Lose some weight and I'll show you off to my friends and family. You can be my trophy."

Women much bigger than me....even ones at 300 pounds...were seen walking in public holding hands with a man who seemed to adore them. The whole thing seemed puzzling to me and untrue.

In 2015, the best match of my life came along, and he treated me like a QUEEN. He was an influential and well-respected music man in the San Francisco area, a powerful vocalist, superb keyboard player and trombonist, who'd worked with Steve Walsh of Kansas, the guitarist from Dream Theater, CHICAGO the band, even Jon Anderson of the famed YES group. Trent loved and adored me JUST THE WAY I WAS. I remember singing him the Billy Joel song with similar lyric and he laughed at me. But I'd made my point. I'll love you just the way you are.

Funny thing....women were chasing him...ATTRACTIVE women too with glamorous clothes, tight bodies and nice cars. But he didn't want them. I once asked him "Trent, why is that you're seeing a woman 2200 miles away...when all the glamorous women are right in your hometown...tonnes of them?"

He replied: "Because, Rochelle, you're REAL." Then he explained that my transparency, authenticity, lack of physical alterations and natural beauty made him fall in love with me. My vulnerability and willingness to SHOW UP, just as I am. He said that's what did it for him. No amount of "perfection" was going to sway him otherwise.

Today, I think of his kind words, the wisdom he shared with me, his loving devotion...and it makes my heart hurt for the women out there who sit in self doubt, punish themselves with one more diet, one more surgery, another pair of designer shoes bought to fill that void. My heart aches for the ladies who believe they are not worthy enough to experience the love that I had with Trent. Deep, magnificent, soul-stirring love that changes the game entirely. Conscious love. The AWAKENED KIND.

All along, I know I was a SOMEBODY.

No amount of money, or fancy degrees framed on the wall, luxury cars, mansions, Manolo shoes, Botox, size 2 dresses or marriages of influence were going to VALIDATE ME.

All along, I had THE POWER.

I hope you too can look in the mirror and love yourself and know that you're a SOMEBODY.

My prayer for you today is to simply exercise SELF COMPASSION and self care rituals. To go deep within and find that little girl who was taught those horrible limiting beliefs, and give her a big hug. Tell her how loved she really is. That she only needed to show up AUTHENTICALLY and she learn she

could make a difference on this hurting world.

I hope you know, dear readers, how much you REALLY, TRULY ARE A SOMEBODY.

Cheering for you always,

RR xo

DON'T MAKE ME DULL MY SPARKLE FOR YOU

I'm sorry, but is my sparkle blinding you today?

I'll admit, over the course of my life, there has always been that one female in a social group or a co-worker trying to bring me down. My problem, they suggest, is that I smile too much, look too enthused, I'm not taking my job seriously. It makes me sick, to be honest. These haters just won't leave me alone.

Like an epidemic, they come out in droves occasionally. Ever notice when you're doing well -- REALLY, REALLY WELL -- that's when a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer tries to rain on your parade.

There's this one girl in my circle of friends (I'll call her Andrea, just to save myself a backlash). She dotes on me sometimes, seems to be really into me. Messages or calls out of the blue. Claims to show "empathy" if I have a bad day. But when I'm on a winning streak with Keno or my love life is STELLAR, she is nowhere to be found. She sometimes goes two months not talking to me. Hides in her cave. Shuts me out. It's cruel and revolting. I pretend to be neutral. I'd just cut her lose, to save myself the hassle. But you see, I have an obligation to her. She pulled a suicide card on me. She's also linked to my immediate circle. She makes me feel bad about her life, how everyone around her is doing so well, rolling in money, etc etc and she is stuck in the same spot. I can't help her. Really, I can't. She doesn't want my help. She just wants to vent, complain, dump on me.

Energy vampire, that's the terminology for 2015. It's the trendy way of saying Narcissistic Sociopath.

As the title of this blog suggests, I still refuse to dull my sparkle so this person can feel less bad about herself. I'm keeping my basket of glitter. In fact, I have an airplane full of glitter, ready to drop from the sky. I hate that people try to make me look DULL, lackluster, like an old penny, littered on the ground. Its value is next to nil.

My entire growing up years, my mother made me feel small. Powerless. She silenced me. As a teen and in my early 20's, she said my neckline was too low, or if I walked alone in my small bedroom town after 9:00 p.m., people would mistake me for a "street walker." Ironically, I was a virgin til almost 21 and married the guy.  In later years, I suffered hypothyroidism, and gained some weight. Regardless of the protein diets, vegetarian diets, healthy shakes, 3 power walks/runs a day and 4L of water, I still couldn't lose a pound.

The abuse got worse then. In my thirties, she told me I was fat, meaning I was not pretty enough, and I needed to look and act like this 6 foot tall, statuesque blonde named Jackie. "Why can't you marry into money like Barb's daughter? Can't you lose 40 pounds and find a good man like Jackie did?"
"Oh, she's so beautiful! She's so thin. She's a successful school teacher. Why don't you apply for a high paying job?"

Body shaming? Don't ever do this to your daughter. It's heartless, cruel, and degrading. It makes them have eating disorders and waste away to a bone rack. No REAL MOTHER would reduce their daughter to this.

Naively, I thought there was something wrong with me. Until I saw my mother go on another crash diet, aka "30 day juice fast" to lose 30 lbs and look "slim, just like in high school when I was a size 6/7," she would proudly chant. Upon losing the weight (and these diets went on for 30 years) she would parade around in a new outfit and rub it in my face at how I'd somehow failed in the beauty department. But then in 2011, she had a gall bladder attack and was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. I guess I was right about those dangerous diets catching up to her. She could've lost her life. Scary, right?

Another time, I served meals at a retirement home. This was a good gig. There was 130 seniors who experienced my smile, my cheerful banter, and most were close to death at any moment. I made their remaining years worthwhile. Some girl I'll call "Terri," just 18, wore a scowl everyday to work. She must've had a rough life, running to daddy all the time for cash handouts. She had a great body, half decent looks, and planned to go to University in Italy that Fall. Still, she was a miserable wench. She snapped under her breath, watching me entertain the residents, "I hate Rochelle!" By the end of Summer, she'd quit early, handing me her remaining shifts. At the time, I had no idea what I'd done to make her hate me. After all, I loved all the girls I worked with. I was 28, working alongside girls age 17 and 18, but they all liked me and cracked jokes. Many knew they could phone me and drop their shifts on me, if they had last minute party plans or an invite to some cottage. I was Miss Reliable. In later years, I reflect on this nasty person, and summed it up to this: she just hated her life. She hated herself. There was nothing I could do about it.

Moral of the story: since I've experienced females trying to body shame me or restrict my sparkle to No Man's Land, my outlook has changed. I refuse to let anyone diminish me to a speck of dirt.

Do I make you feel uncomfortable? Well, then, that's too bad. Learn to deal with it. And get some professional help. No one has the right to belittle another human and make them feel like garbage.

"She writes romance novels and publishes them? Who does she think she is, Danielle Steel?"

I laugh now, at some of the slander that has boomerang'd back to me. I'm not doing anything wrong, just following my heart's desire, and doing what I love. These people don't like the new and improved Rochelle? Well, stick it. Cause I'm not going anywhere.

Word to the wise: Never let someone dull your sparkle. Keep on shining, no matter what. Yes, there will be tough times. There will be haters. People who can't handle your megawatt smile and positive vibes. That's okay. Keep up the summer glow, the ray of sunshine, that beacon streaming from you. This hurting world needs more of you. Believe me.

Cheering you on. Always.

xo RR xo

Fall In Love With Yourself

I recall the loneliest times of my life and they make me cringe.

Wounded by a failed second marriage, I carried the pain around for years. Four at least, before I moved on, let the wounds start to heal, and file for the divorce. This did not happen overnight. Along the way, I met quite a few people who helped me see the light. Men who made me smile, helped me flirt with the idea of coupledom by raising my self confidence and boosting my ego.

Prior to filing for the divorce, I had to forgive myself for failing at marriage again. Forgiveness of self is truly instrumental in the quest to finding love. Without it, we hold onto baggage and self deprecation, causing a delay in our growth and hindering our own mental health.

What did I discover in these single years? What magic elixir did I drink to come to this big life changing epiphany?

The answer, simply, was to discover who I was all over again. I needed to accept me, flaws and all, including my shadow side, with all the parts of me that I thought others did not like. First on the list: clumsy. Second: left-handed. Third: just plain misfit. Our destructive self talk is really powerful, and most of us don't realize what negative doom we are manifesting when we bash ourselves or undermine our own magic.

How could I expect to summon love into my life, if I was blaming myself for all that had happened in the past? Becoming my own worst enemy was not the recipe for healing a broken heart. No one can move onward and upwards if they're playing the blame game from yesterday. Dude, that is so, like, 2008.

Did I not realize that I was truly 1 in 7 billion? No other person alive has my DNA codes; the mold was broken when I came along. Realizing this made me suddenly jolt back to reality. Being this unique suddenly gave me an advantage I had never seen before.

Self love is so crucial. We cannot call love into our lives if we don't love ourselves FIRST.

Why is that? Because if you don't love yourself, you don't know what you want, need or deserve. Then you wander around, lost and clueless, searching for something you just can't seem to define. It's like having an invisible list of tasks or goals with no real aim. Get real about who you are and what you want. Things will soon fall into place.

Once you accept your darkness and light --in turn, embracing your essence-- all the lovely components that make up the masterpiece of YOU become crystal clear. Soon, you're living a charmed life that is robust, colorful and passionate. There is no regret, no second guessing, and you experience a FREEDOM that is so amazing. Breathe in the calm of having nothing to prove, and no one to prove it to. You will care less about what others think, too. The liberation is pure bliss.

It's a shame how people run from the beauty of who they were born to be. Stand in the mirror, look at the person staring back at you. What do you see? Let me remind you that being single doesn't mean you are worthless. Think of the benefits to being alone at this time. There's no one to answer to, no one to impress but yourself. You can put on that favorite song and crank it REALLY LOUD without offending that partner in the house.

Learn to romance yourself. Take a walk on the beach during sunset, sit on a vista and watch the city lights glittering in the distance, browse lovely thrift shops and find nostalgic items, spoil yourself with a new dress or outfit at a boutique, go to a movie that only YOU would love. Bonus point: you don't have to fret or argue with your date over which flick to see. No compromising here. Myself, I go to concerts in the city alone, or to karaoke --solo--if I can't find a friend who is free on a Thursday or Sunday night. Heck, I'll show up in my diva glory, belt out some Motown gem by Mary Wells or wow the crowd with a rockin' Shania tune. In my element, it's truly phenomenal. It feels like I'm home, and the joy bursting from my heart seems to light up the whole room. It doesn't matter if I show up to these places alone. Because I've learned to love my own company, there's always a new friend I meet along the way, and I'm pushed off my couch and out of the comfort zone. There's life out there! Go and see for yourself. Go ahead, grab these moments while you can.

Self love is a beautiful journey of the soul that begs us to truly look inside ourselves and find the jewel that is waiting to be awakened again, after so many years of a deep sleep. Divorce or heartbreak can really destroy our self esteem and make us feel broken down, ugly, or unloveable. Remember, though, that you are transitioning and moving forward, so take the time you need to heal those battle scars, but don't dwell too long there. You can become too comfortable in bitterville, letting the heartache seep into your soul, and rob you of the dazzling potential that is waiting to be discovered.

I truly hope that you will learn to fall in love with the majestic person you are. One in seven billion, baby. Now THAT is something to be proud of.

As always, keep the passion alive.

Cheering for you,

xx RR xx