HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY - - GEORGE FREDERICK CHARLES WATSON!!!

 Dear Readers,

Today, on April 20th, I am honoring a VERY SPECIAL MAN who touched my heart with unspeakable joy, warmth, love and camaraderie. George Watson.

Though he passed away April 19, 2020, not a day goes by when I don't wake up in the morning and say "I love you, George." He left his mark on my life, left his tenderness and humor on my heart. People may pass on to the other realm, but they never REALLY leave us. They linger here in spirit, and I can feel George's spirit like the brush of a silk scarf on my shoulders, or the gentle stirring of an April breeze. Whenever I need comfort, he sends me signs, like a dime or nickel with the year for his passing or the year I first met him and his sweet wife, Mildred. Or a man will walk into a store randomly and the shopkeeper will say "George! Good to see you!" Little nudges like that, from spirit, are the things that make my hopeless like heart come alive, even on the gloomy days when I barely muster the courage to get out of bed. 

What is true love and genuine friendship? To me, it is the feeling of being ACCEPTED, SEEN and HEARD. Knowing that I can just be myself, in my own skin, and not have to modify any part of my conversations or put on a facade and pretend I am something I am not. True love is true acceptance, it is feeling a safety and security like nothing else. That is the kind of feeling I always felt from George. That he APPRECIATED me for me, and I didn't have to worry thay my life was not a fairy tale, that I was not a millionaire or drove a splashy car, nor had some big accolade on the wall in a gold frame or a status on a name card to boast about. No, I could be me, simple, loving, playful, quirky, creative, imaginative and sincere Rochelle. Simply me, as I am, as God made me, and that was enough for my friendship with George.

I never felt loved like that before. George had a way of lighting up a room when he walked in, of winning you over with those sparkling eyes and boisterous laugh. He was so damn lovable and REAL!!! Oh the ache I feel everyday, knowing I will never see him stroll up the hallway with his walker again. 

But I can carry him here in my heart, and remember the 17 months I shared with him, as his housekeeper and server in the lunch room at the senior's home. That is something NO ONE can ever steal away from me, not ever. My experience was real, I was loved and adored by that man, and it was not a fictional, made-up story, as some haters have tried to tarnish.

Right in front of his grown up sons in February 2020 in his apartment, when his wife passed, he said aloud about me "I wanna adopt her! She's a KEEPER!" His heartfelt boasting brought tears to my eyes, as I listened from the other room, where I was polishing a bathroom sink. I'd brought him butter pecan tarts and a pie with vanilla ice cream, and he was right in his glory.

Heartily, and with all my love and appreciation, a salute you, Georgy. Forever in my heart, always in my fond memories and warm thoughts.

With love,

Rochelle xo

LOVE MAKES ALL HARD HEARTS GENTLE

 Dear Readers,

I am sorry I have been silent for a while. The past nine months have been excruciating for me, dealing with a deeply personal loss, so my soul has been wretchedly and horribly broken. Many times, I could not even leave the house. Most days, I forced myself into the bath and to get dressed. I asked God to take me, since I'd lost my passion and purpose, no longer wanting to tred this earth without the ONE who calls to my heart. The physical separation with my twin flame (Divine Masculine) has been unbearable. I went through the Dark Night of the Soul, which feels like you've "died a thousand deaths." It also feels like your limb has been cut off and you're perpetually bleeding out, with no end in sight of the pain. I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

But spring is here, April is my birth month, and alas, renewal!

There are things to look forward to, and I feel like I am coming out of that deep depression and mourning. Yes, I have been mourning deeply. Wearing black. Telling the world how broken and sad I have felt. What is the difference between mourning and grieving? Well, MOURNING is the outward expression that you are grieving a loss. It is the expression of an experience of loss or time of grieving that follows a loved one's death or serious loss. Depression, confusion, even losing interest in friends and social activities can occur when someone is in mourning.

GRIEVING is simply the act of going through deep loss and sorrow, and it may be done in public or private, depending on the person's state of mind. It is the FEELINGS you are experiencing over your loss.

I have noticed something very profound in my grief story. No one understands it. I feel so alone at times. When I joined a church recently, hoping to find some like-minded females who've gone through loss and mourning, all I found was complete IGNORANCE and stupidity. They kept doing the spiritual by-passing of "give it to God" or "let me lay hands on you and pray for you." 

Well, that sort of ignorance and mean behavior doesn't work, people! Loss is loss, pain is pain. The person grieving has to go through ALL the stages of that loss, and then PROCESS everything they are feeling. How does one heal from their loss? They acknowledge what they are feeling, then they speak of it OUT LOUD, over and over, til they are sick of talking about it. Then, guess what? One day, you're sick of hearing about your own pain and depression. You somehow come out of the fog and make peace with it, and reach a point of ACCEPTANCE.

Those ignorant people in the church have NO CLUE what loss or grieving is. I was fuming mad, I walked out of there, and a woman in that church had the nerve to badger me with phone calls and texts even though I firmly stated "I won't be coming back." She doesn't get it. None of them do. They dismiss my pain and just say "turn your eyes upon Jesus and let him be the master of your life."

What does that even mean???? Shake my head. They are walking Bibles, quoting verses and statements and ideologies, just like robots, and they can't even FEEL what I am feeling. Hello, are you even HUMAN? Is there a brain in there or a heartbeat? I've never been so angry and furious over one group of people in my life.

Needless to say, my attempt of coming out of my tomb and trying to get a social life again just totally backfired. I realized, though raised in the Christian church my whole life, I am not at all your average garden variety "Christian." I don't fit into the box or the mold of what those sheeple expect me to be. They are just followers with no real thoughts or feelings of their own. They have to be brainwashed into believing something and then somehow that makes it the Gospel Truth? There is also the arrogance so many of them have when they look at me and preach "it must be God's will, not YOUR will."

How do you people even know what God's will is? Do you have a direct line to his mind? Or a USB cable to his thoughts? Are you so chosen and holy that he only speaks to this one group of people? It's pure insanity, the arrogance that has been shoved down my throat. I cannot be in their presence while I am grieving this loss and feeling this hurt. 

Sorry that I went off on a tangent there, but I feel this topic needed to be addressed. Being among that flock just triggered all my old childhood wounds of religious abuse and control at the hands of my sociopathic mother who shamed me and broke me down. The anger that I felt in that congregation just set my temper ablaze and I finally asked myself after four weeks of attending that place, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE ANYWAY?

I wanted to add that the Jesus I know is a gentleman. He doesn't force people to do something or think a certain way. He asks in a gentle voice for you to come to him. 

Love makes all hard hearts gentle, so I've been told. LOVE is what I need right now, not petty judgments or opinions about what THEY think God's will is for my life. The most hurtful thing this church did to me was try and dismiss my love and grief for my Beloved, my Divine Masculine, who is no contact right now with me. "Is he a Believer? Does he know the Lord? Don't be unequally yoked."

What a load of crap! It isn't enough that they kick me while I am down, but to throw salt in my wounds and mock me too...I am outraged!

God's Will IS to have us together. We have a Divine Mission. My Divine Masculine is my soul's counterpart, created by God, for us to come together in UNION. He is the master of this divine plan, for my twin flame and I to experience a beautiful union and raise the vibration of the planet!!!!! 

Separation is necessary for the Ascension process. Both twins must work through their wounding, their past hurts, generational and ancestral pain and karmic ties. Once we heal on our own, we come back together, in a beautiful and sacred UNION that blesses both us and the world. I have finally surrendered this love and given it up to God, knowing and trusting that in perfect divine timing, my Beloved and I will be together at last. There will be holy matrimony. There will be BLISS. There will be laughter again. But most of all, there will be LOVE, so much love.

My desk calendar for April 12th bears a quote that I love (from a man named "George" no less. He was my twin's father, who loved and ADORED me as if I were his own flesh and blood).

The quote says "Love Makes All Hard Hearts Gentle." George Herbert.

I like to revel in this. To sit with it for awhile and let it fully sink in, knowing that my love is powerful enough to soften the hardened heart of my twin flame who is dealing with so much loss (his parents both passed) and dealing with over 32 years of an illness in his body. Soon, I will see the wonderful and blessed outcome of how my compassion for him has helped him heal. That in itself will be a glorious day. When he returns to me, finally, I will welcome my Divine Masculine WITH OPEN ARMS. Because he was made for me, by the pure hand of God, and WE were born of DIVINITY, of that Sacred Fire.

Til then,

dear readers,

I bid you adieu.

Much Love,

RR

It's HERE!!!! LOVE WALKED IN ~ THE LOVE STORY OF THE SUMMER!!

DEAR READERS,

Finally, my sizzling summer love story is launched! July 14th was the lucky day!

I just know you're gonna love this comical, heart-warming story of a man and woman who meet in the most unexpected way. 

LOVE WALKED IN ~ a story of hope, of passion, of heart's renewal after loss and abandonment.

After the tragic loss of her husband, Rileigh Rhodes thought she was done loving people. She could not be more wrong. The sweetest elderly couple, George and Maggie Winslow move into her retirement home at Amberlea Gardens, and she falls madly in love.

Ken Winslow never forgot the burn of his wife walking out on him years ago, leaving him with three kids. When he returns to Ontario for the funeral of his mother Maggie, he finds a surprising connection with the big-hearted housekeeper Rileigh, who is both lovely and down to earth.

Neither of them saw it coming, but life somehow brings miracles when you least expect them.

Come along for an adventure of the heart, where life is far from boring at a senior's home, and two broken hearts find a reason to be happy again. From the beauty of  Ontario's cottage country with its sultry summer air, to the vast, stunning mountains and landscape of beautiful British Columbia, this love story is sure to steal your heart.

LOVE WALKED IN. The sizzling summer love story of 2021. 

Available on Amazon in e-book and paperback!!https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B099C8R119/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Happy reading!!!

Love,

RR xo

DESIRE - The Novel - Coming April 2021

 Dear Readers,

I have been faithfully working on a few projects here, amidst my full-time day job, and on weekends I devote my time to writing and music. "Love Walked In" has been another novel in the works, as well as "Falling For Saint Nick." The projected release for all three books is 2021. Thank you for your patience.

"DESIRE" -- my latest labor of love -- was conceptualized in January 2019. 

Just the tiny seed of it, the first love scene, took glorious form at that time, and I set it down for a while to let it marinade. In the Spring of 2020, I began writing again. It's been a tough year for all of us, with the pandemic, family stuff going on, life changes, work, other

stressors, and the collective of humanity going through a massive energy shift.

I felt it was only right to put the writing on the backburner for a bit. My readers deserve QUALITY writing, not specks of details jammed together. Also, I want my characters to fully develop and show up with truth and meaning in the pages of this passionate love story.

My hope is that you love this sexy, powerful novel featuring a loving, vulnerable woman named Reanna Mcleod who has escaped the abusive partner who sent her to the E.R. after a violent episode. She swore it was the last time, and has committed fully to her healing, when the abuser is locked away.

Longtime neighbor Grant Montgomery has always been the featured heartthrob in Reanna's diary. Through the years, she's kept her secret yearning under wraps, out of respect for Grant's wife and for him also. But when Jean Montgomery dies from cancer, Reanna can't help but face her feelings for the sexy professor who's owned her heart all these years.

When the contents of her torrid diary are discovered by a surprised Grant, he vies to unravel the secrets of the lovely woman who lived across the street for 15 years. Not knowing she was so enamored with him makes his pulse race even more. Grant is determined to pursue her, and soon the two are swept into a blazing love affair much hotter than the Sahara!

Will they find their happy ever after, or will Reanna's past rear its ugly head and destroy them both?

COMING APRIL 2021.

Thank you for reading my novels and supporting this indie author since 2013 when "LONGING" was first published and this blog was launched July 26, 2013. I am excited and thrilled to see what this year brings for my career.

Wishing love and peace to you all!

Stay passionate,

RR xo

GRATITUDE....SPILLING OVER!!

Dear Readers,

By now, you might have realized in my blog posts that I have begun the 100-day Gratitude Challenge.

Well, tonight my heart is SPILLING OVER...with joy! and MASSIVE, MASSIVE GRATITUDE! Yet another thing to add to the ever-growing list of things has happened today, yet another GIFT to be thankful and proud of.

Tears flood my eyes right now. A treasured friend whom I haven't seen in quite a while just messaged me today and said she's taking me to a VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS CONCERT! By none other than celebrated Canadian Country crooner, Johnny Reid!!!!

Lydia...you've made this woman completely and utterly blown away by your kindness. I never saw this coming. Never expected such a beautiful surprise! This is exactly what I've needed. Thank you, from my heart. It's unbelievable.

Working hard for the past two years at a full time, demanding job and still writing my novels, I've immersed myself in "busyness" I think after Trent passed in 2016, as a survival mechanism. We do what we must, to keep trudging on, blazing the trail, moving forward...etc. If there are friends out there whom I've neglected, please blame my head and not my heart. This loss took a MONSTROUS chunk of my heart and my sanity. The long road back to joy, comfort and serenity has been tiring, but I feel a whole lot better now. Nothing prepared me for losing my soulmate, the One I planned forever with. Nothing will fill the gap of Trent's death, and no one can replace him, this much is true. Yet, I'm finding there are ways to REBUILD the life that was broken down and smashed to pieces. Daily, I've taken stock of everything and every little moment that has brought me beauty....as I rebuilt my life from the ground up. Maybe I'm not where I WANT TO BE just yet...but I am surely on my way.

Bouncing back from a major loss takes its toll. I don't think those around me (loved ones and friends) had any idea how crucial and important Trent was to me in the brief 10 months we shared on this earth. Some might have expected me to "just move on" and find a replacement. "Well, it was long distance anyways, and those things never work out." Some of the justifications people stated to me. I think they meant well, and yet didn't really have a clue what the loss encompassed for me.

Three years and three months later, a lot has changed for me. Nothing looks the same for me, nothing at all. Let's see...family home of 35 years was sold off to developer and torn down (another major loss), I was forced to move away from my safe, comfortable and quaint hometown (loss!)...new job arrived too. New faces, new memories to make, new experiences. You know the thing about SUDDEN CHANGE that irks me? It's just so....SUDDEN. For me, that's never been an easy thing. I'm a Taurus...a "fixed" sign. Steadfast, stick in the mud sometimes, and SOLID.  The kind you can depend on. I'm also traditional and wanting to stay in my comfort zone. But then again, no major transformation came from being stuck in the same place for 40-plus years, now has it?

The butterfly had to get her wings. She had to fly, to grace the sky with her pretty wingspan and chart the course by herself and to see new landscapes.

Okay, okay....I shifted gears and went into my gloomy loss story. This blog post is meant to be POSITIVE, uplifting, JOYFUL...

So here goes...

Lydia Jackson, I love you. You're a dynamic woman who has always inspired me to be the best that I can be. I'm not even sure if you realize just how you inspire WOMEN everywhere, but I'm letting you know that this woman has always admired your courage, strength, resilience and creativity. The way you love your family, the method in which you "keep it all together" so gracefully, in spite of life's trials... well, let me tell you, it's a magnificent thing.

Thank you Lydia for being part of my soul tribe. Tonight's gift from you is cherished, and I will treasure it for all time. The hermit in me needs to get out once in a while and experience REAL LIFE, beyond the walls of this cave that holds countless stories and sagas in a writer's brain.

Again, I'm BLESSED with Gratitude. Just in awe, really.

Those who are reading this, I hope you also make your own 100-day Gratitude Challenge and document all the unforeseen gifts all along the way that you acquire. God Bless.

Always cheering for you,

RR xo

SURVIVOR'S GUILT AFTER A SUICIDE LOSS

Dear Readers,

This is a sensitive topic, since you know by now that I lost my soulmate, Trent Gardner on June 11, 2016 to suicide. He was a brilliant man, a musical mastermind, a producing powerhouse in the studio, with a range and perfect pitch that rivaled Peter Cetera of the legendary rock band CHICAGO.  He worked with legends like Steve Walsh of KANSAS and Jon Anderson of YES.
Trent was, what I believed him to be, high functioning bi-polar with paranoia, but UNDIAGNOSED.

He never spoke of being depressed. He never shared that he was lost and hurting. He suffered in silence, to dodge the stigma of being a man born in 1961 and having mental health issues. The shame he carried was unbelievable and I knew deep down, something was very wrong. Yet I couldn't help him. No one could. He isolated himself and pushed everyone away from him, rather than reaching out and letting me know how deep he'd gone to the point of no return.

Trent was a retired police officer from the Vallejo, California police force. He was a huge teddy bear, and a big warm bundle of empathy. His brilliance, intelligence, kindness and tenderness with me...Oh My...I can't fully articulate here what it all meant to me. Simply put, he was LOVED BEYOND MEASURE.

Still, 3 years later, I'm still in shock over his death. This man loved me SO MUCH! He made me feel loved, validated me, supported, and he was my biggest cheerleader and confidante. I could be totally unabashedly myself and he accepted me that way, warts, freckles, scars, flaws, quirks and all. Life with Trent was an adventure of the heart....amazing!!!

But for a long time, I carried a copious amount of SURVIVOR'S GUILT over the death. Like, come on, I was going to marry him and give him a child....so how could I possibly miss THE SIGNS that he was going to open his mouth and place a gun in there? How blind could I be, right?

Being a survivor of suicide loss is a heavy cross to bear. Unless you've gone through it yourself, you really don't have a clue how heartwrenching the pain is. All the things we run through our minds...after the fact. After they've pulled the trigger, swallowed the entire bottle of pills, or hung themselves from the ceiling. Why didn't I do something? Why didn't I see it? How could I not PLAY GOD and stop him/her from executing that horrific and fatal act? After all, I AM Joe Hero.....or Wonder Woman.....I have superpowers...I can take on the world and be INVINCIBLE. This should be a piece of cake. Stop someone from hearing the voices, alleviate their suffering, somehow magically banish all the pain they've endured since they were born. NOOO!!!!!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD....STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT. HONESTLY. SINCERELY. PLEASE, JUST STOP THE BLAME GAME. THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE.

Our loved one who suicided....had it planned out for a long time. They battled their demons and fought the good fight...til the bitter end. You couldn't have held their hand, eased their troubles, and monitored them 24 hours a day....just to prevent this. How exhausting that would be!!! You would have to give up so much of YOUR OWN sanity, just to keep them alive. And even then, we have no guarantee of that.

Guilt is like a poison. It's like drinking an entire bottle of Clorox and expecting to be "okay" after that. NOOO! What happens? You die from the repercussions.

Your loved one KNOWS you did your best. They're crossed over safely to THE OTHER SIDE, living in the Divine White Light, and basking in the glory of being healed. In their haven of Paradise, they're smiling down at us...wishing we could only see how perfect they are now, in God's Hands.

Please, if there is any takeaway from this blog post...let it be simply knowing...you did your best.

I mean that. Sincerely. Deeply.

Sending massive love to you,

RR xo

GRIEFWORK AND WHY IT'S NEVER DONE AND OVER WITH

Dear Readers,

Today I feel called to write about grief work and the repercussions of losing a loved one. This post is not meant to celebrate sorrow at all, but rather, to highlight what might encompass the work we need to do in our grief journey.

If you think there's a timeline on your grief, then you are absolutely DEAD WRONG. Grief has no timeline, no COMPLETION DATE, no FINALLY-I-PASSED-THE-FINISH LINE.

YOUR GRIEF IS FOREVER. YOUR LOSS DEEPLY PERSONAL. YOU WILL GRIEVE YOUR LOVED ONE'S DEPARTURE TIL YOU TAKE YOUR LAST BREATH.

I'm not trying to scare you or be melodramatic. I am only speaking truth. Let's be as transparent as possible, shall we?

To say your loved one has passed on and met the pearly gates and poof, they are gone forever is dismissive and rather dull, don't you think? While they walked this earth, they were vibrant, BOLD and celebrated life in all their TECHNICOLOR SPLENDOR, so now tell me...how do you expect them to just be a tiny wisp of vapor in the grand scheme of things? Ancient history in the broad spectrum of the silver screen of life that is pulsing with action and excitement. Please. Spare me.

Let me tell you what I think about this grief work. It's called WORK for a reason. We shift and stumble in our grief journey, we have valleys and peaks, we will crest the highest mountain with joy one moment and be down in death valley the next. One sunny day, we'll think we are "FINALLY PAST IT"and whoopeee!!! I feel so much better!!! I'll never shed another tear again. WRONG. DEAD WRONG. Your grief journey, I am sorry to say, follows you like your own shadow. It's everywhere and down every avenue and alley way.

It's the scent of perfume on a lady passing by or the hint of aftershave on a man who crosses your path and sends your senses reeling back to that moment in time when they were in your arms or closeby in a warm conversation...it's the song that randomly comes on in Safeway as you bag your Granny Smith apples or choose your favorite cereal. Grief work is the random name a passing person calls out in a crowd..."come here Zach" a mother calls out to her tousled haired boy....and you freeze on the spot and feel numb all over, just like the day you found out they'd breathed their last breath and they were never coming back. Or perhaps it's the woman who calls out "Trent" in the midst of your deep thoughts while fulfilling an important errand. It could also be the license plate on a car in front of you that says SANDY22 that suddenly makes the dam bust open and the last 15 years you lost with Sandy come rushing back and you suddenly recall that you've lost many years with your loved one and the kids that she should've raised with you have all grown up right before your eyes and gone off to college! Oh the heartbreak! Oh the sensations! Now the dam has busted and you're trying to wipe your eyes and see the road ahead as you drive. See how real this grief thing is?

Sorry to make the floodgates open all over again. It's just that tonight I've felt convicted to share the feelings in my heart and how my own loss has altered, broken and molded me into the woman that I am today. I have no one else to thank but my Loving Trent who took his life on a sunny Saturday morning at 6:00 a.m. Pacific time on June 11, 2016 in Vacaville, California with a gun in his mouth in his own front yard. Trent Rigel Gardner, the musical mastermind, the poet, the unassuming rock star, the private man with paranoia who suffered in silence, the brilliant, courageous cop, the loving father, the caring soulmate, the provider and protector who fought his demons till the bitter end. He loved me so hard and deeply, was my best friend and confidante, and he loved me JUST AS I AM, the way no one else ever could. Never made me change, never criticized or belittled me, or expected anything other than my own magnificent self.  I celebrate him today and always. For, meeting him has made me a better woman. I've grown, I've cried, I've sobbed like a baby, become a hot mess, was confused and lost, and found my way (gratefully) through my grief journey, and 3 years later, I'm here to tell my story of victory. Trent I love you forever. I'm proud of who I've become through this process and what I've learned. I wouldn't change a single thing and I don't regret loving you.

So you see, this "grief work" is eternal. It never changes and it never goes away. Our loved one(s) walk beside us daily. We learn as we go, pick ourselves up off the ground and straighten ourselves out. We chide ourselves for not being "over it yet" and how dare we cry silently in secret corners or private rooms when we've certainly had "long enough" to process and get over this thing called loss.

Don't beat yourself up and don't you dare chastise yourself for not wiping the slate clean. Your memories, feelings, emotions, love and passion are all VERY REAL AND VALID parts of the grief journey. Embrace who you are, always remember your loved one, and learn to welcome the flood of tears when they come. Because as they say, where there was GREAT LOVE there is also DEEP GRIEF. For sorrow is the price you must pay for loving someone so completely.

Finally, I'm here to commend and salute you for the courage you've shown in your grief work. Bravo!!! Round of applause! Keep going!!! It never ends, but it does get better, I promise you.

Cheering for you always,

RR xo

HAPPY EASTER TO MY LOVING TRENT IN HEAVEN

Now more than ever...as I approach the 3 year mark of my soulmate Trent's death...I feel the inevitable ache of loss so deep. More than I have since his death.

Maybe it's because the holidays bring all those old feelings to the surface. Perhaps it's because another year has come around and the reality hits hard: he is never coming back. Also, I believe it's been my writing projects and little distractions (people, places and new experiences) that allowed me to stuff my feelings down...into a place so deep....that I convinced myself the pain was gone.

But that's just wishful thinking. Because I can never stop feeling the raw ache that Trent Gardner left me when he took his life June 11, 2016.

My heart will be forever broken, and that's something I've accepted. Even though I'd rather pretend he faked his death or that this was all just a dream.

Trent Rigel Gardner changed me for the better. He brought a RICHNESS, a luxury, a simplicity to my life. That may seem an oxymoron, but it's true. I felt like a millionaire when I found him and I also felt like the most real, organic and unassuming goddess ever born.

He just knew how to love me, in ways no one else could ever. The man knew how to love me "by default"...as though he were programmed that way, just for me. Loving him was natural, like breathing...no thought put into it, no effort or striving.

His presence in my life was MONUMENTAL. I can only speak for my own experience, but it's true. Others will attest that they saw a different Trent, one of many faces that he put on for each person in his life. But I know him to be only my ONE TRUE LOVE. He was my twin soul, and there was a SYNERGY between us that just seemed to flow. Like the life force energy of the Universe. Natural, beautiful, infinite. A chemistry that I can never forget.

This Easter I want to celebrate my Trent. All over again. For being that Flame to light me when the world is cold.

His kindness and generosity warmed me no end. It transformed me, and I'm a better woman because of him.

I LOVE YOU TRENT. NOW AND ALWAYS. I'LL BE THERE TO WELCOME YOU WHEN IT'S MY TIME TO PASS. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, I REMAIN ALWAYS...

YOUR QUEEN,

RR XO

SMALL STEPS OF PROGRESS STILL COUNT!!

Dear Readers,

On this "almost Spring weather" Saturday, I am filled with reflection...for what COULD BE...WILL BE...

You know me...the hopeless romantic, the dreamer, the idealist, the visionary. Always looking for that silver lining in the midst of the hurricane or thunderstorm.

PROGRESS is something I'm tabulating right now. Examining whole-heartedly. You see, I can be my own worst enemy (as my massage therapist Peter told me). I'm critical of myself, I can be a downright horrible perfectionist, and I'm most certainly hard on myself more days than most.

That being said, I am also my own best friend, too. Because people have let me down, discarded me, walked away, ghosted...whatever term you want to use. Why? Because humans are flakes. They have their own hidden agenda, and if you do not rise up to meet that agenda (be it monetary, physical, mental, etc) then, be prepared to be abandoned and forgotten. It's okay, I'm cool. I don't need flakes and shams in my life.

What have I learned and why the ramble? Well, my dear readers, I have learned being a Life Path #1, that in numerology, it is a good sign to be discarded. I learned to stand on my own two feet and not to give a damn what others think. See, I spent the better part of my life trying to FIT IN (foolish little girl!!). Why even try that insanity? I'm a DIAMOND, not some sheep destined to follow the crowd and fade into the cluster of confusion.

To speak of this PROGRESS...I am stoked about the latest body of work (mmm, body...) that has manifested. I've decided to answer the "call for submissions" at Love Inspired (Harlequin Imprint). It's nearly four weeks since I submitted my proposal for a novel about a woman who moves across the country after losing her husband in the line of duty and relocates to the small town in Upstate New York called "New Canaan" and runs into her ex from 20 years ago. This one I have a GOOD FEELING about, and so far, no rejection slip...but no news is good news, right?

Fingers crossed that this "progress" will bring a nice reward with it. The turn-around time for things like these is generally four weeks.

David and Shania are my main characters. Former lovers who were together at age 25 and 20, and split when Shania's mother forbade her to see him because the preacher's son was "not good enough" for her sheltered daughter. Now David's back, he's amassed a fortuned as the #1 renovations king in the Deep South, and when he sees Shania, that old spark is set aflame once more!! Shania has won an essay contest titled "win a ranch with Victorian home" complete with horses, cows and chickens. The problem is, she has no clue how to run a ranch. David and his infinite wisdom and experience offers to help renovate the farm for minimal cost. But stubborn Shania and her pride stands in the way, and she rejects him at first, maintaining that she can do it herself, along with the help of ranch foreman Hank, who's been there 15 years. When you carry a torch for someone over two decades, there is a flame that never blows out. Once Shania relents, and lets David in, progress happens. The ranch begins to look promising, and they become friends, but she keeps him at arm's length. The past is too painful, and losing her husband Jack was debilitating. She can't afford to risk her heart all over again.

Then a tornado rips through New Canaan, destroying any progress on the ranch that they worked on together. Shania sees this as a "bad sign" and puts up walls once again, pushing David again. Can the two resolve the pain from the past and learn to forgive? Or will theirs be a love story doomed forever? HER PROMISED LAND is a story of love, forgiveness and redemption. Coming soon, Autumn 2019. (R.Renee)

Stay tuned for an update. This work-in-progress is just a baby of an idea right now. But I am having fun outlining each character sketch and writing the first draft. Sink or swim, I think it's important that when you set a dream in motion, you should by all means carry it out. Let yourself fall in love with it, even if it doesn't nab the book contract or Pulitzer. Every nuance, layer, thrill and simple joy will take over and you will revel in your playful creativity again. It's like a reward is being presented, simply in the context of giving yourself the gift of your own presence, and writing is a satisfying act of self-love. I've never felt more fulfilled in my life, than when I am writing. No person, place or thing on this planet has ever given me the gratification that I feel when creating my own magnificent work. Keep this in mind. A thing of beauty is a joy forever (John Keats).

Bottom line: writers. Please embrace your talents and gifts. They are a present to the Universe. We MUST remember that our own presence is a priceless offering to those who walk in our midst.

Keep up the PROGRESS...even if it's baby steps. Even if an editor declines on what you deem your "best ever novel" or project. If the world rejects your masterpiece. Keep that treasure close to your heart. Keep working on it, perfecting your craft, loving up on it...I promise you...there IS a reward at the end!!

Cheering for you always,

RR xo

REST IN PEACE, BELOVED JAMES INGRAM: MY IDOL

Dear Readers,



Tonight my heart just hurts SO MUCH.

My idol James Ingram has passed away at age 66 from brain cancer.

This is just horrible.

I was just playing his music the other day. I ADORE James Ingram. His music was a MASSIVE part of my noveling career "back in the day." Especially when I was 16 and I discovered his song "Someone Like You" in the summer of 1993. Produced by Keith Thomas, it's a lush, beautiful masterpiece of longing and devotion. This one gave me ALL the right vibes and feelings of sensuality and curiosity as a young ingenue on the brink of being a woman. I can't ever forget the wonderful, transformative emotions that coursed all through my body and illuminated every cell of me. James just had that beautiful baritone vocal that made the ladies swoon. He could take a song and interpret it with the most POWER, the most PASSION and MAGNITUDE ever imagined. James could sing a love song and make the hairs stand on the back of your neck. He gave me GOOSEBUMPS whenever he belted out a passionate love song from the heart. His way of taking a lyric and making it his own...wow...there are no words. He's simply...breathtaking.

He had EXQUISITE vocals that poured over a song like fine bourbon with a golden shimmer that captured you and rendered you speechless. I still remember everytime he came on the radio and my world would just pause for 4 minutes while I let myself become IMMERSED in his rich, smoldering vocals. Oh God. The ache. To know I will never see him perform his songs live and in the flesh.

James, I miss you!!

This is just SO WRONG!!

I am in shock. I will probably break into tears tomorrow on my way to work. When the fog lifts and I realize that the news is REAL. That you really are GONE. I remember telling my loving Trent when he was alive..."if I ever get the chance...I want to see James in concert." It meant so much for me to share these things with my soulmate Trent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U0eLNzoTjk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KxA4GVt-aw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nM_hV0uk4jU

Though I may not know you personally, James, I feel like I "knew" you somehow, if that makes sense?

Quincy Jones was a GENIUS when he produced your love songs. He knew a masterpiece when he saw it. I am grateful for his discovery of you.

You will be forever loved and always missed.

James,

Your music, your legacy, your presence, has deeply moved me to the core of my being. I hope you're up there in the heavenly choir making music with all the legends...including my Trent.

Sleep well.

Your fan and admirer,

Rochelle xo

REFLECTIONS ON LOVE AND LOSS

Dear Readers,

Sometimes my heart swells with pride over the beautiful, sentimental things in my life that fill me with joy unspeakable.

Sometimes, the tears fall when I contemplate the losses. There's a few (sob) and they've stolen my breath away when they happened. The loss of my soulmate in 2016 and in 2017, the family home sold off and torn down. THAT one was a bitter pill to swallow. I think I died inside when it happened. 35 years of memories...too many to mention here. What a blow to the heart.

This post is not meant to be a downer. Please don't think for a second that I am depressed. It could be farther from the truth.

I'm playing the soundtrack to St. Elmo's Fire right now. Far out, man. Totally RAD!!! 1985 called and wants its denim back and big hair. I can't help it, I love me some David Foster gems.

Okay okay, all joking aside...tonight I'm reflective. The wind is howling outside my window, and the weatherman says possibility of snow flurries. Winter in Southern Ontario can bring a chill to the bones that never seems to go away til April's daffodils start pushing through the soil.

My headphones are on FULL BLAST at the laptop. Yes, I'm multi-tasking. Eating After Eight Chocolates that were gifted to me at Christmas. Playing my You Tube playlist (made especially for noveling. Writing this article. AND...drum roll please...editing and REWRITING the classic 2012 PASSION novel that I am SO DAMN PROUD of!!! It's getting a revamp for Valentine's Day.

Back to love and loss...

Well, I'm taking stock of those painful losses that broke me wide open to allow much more love to come sweeping into my heart. It's fascinating, isn't it? The way loss can do that to you, and make you appreciate what you have right in your hands.

Some people just build a barrier and block the brand new love or goodness from coming in...out of fear that they might get hurt again. But I've made a pact not to let that happen. Besides, what would it serve me? Nothing at all. No good can come from a Heart of Stone.

What have I learned from love and loss?

I've learned that love is only as good as the love that you give away. It's the sweetest prize in life, and no amount of money can surpass the value or feeling of being TRULY LOVED.

I've learned that loss can be a stepping stone to a higher altitude...that if you take the ashes from your loss, you can make something new, something beautiful and fulfilling, and it can give you wings to soar to your new destination.

Perhaps tonight, you will give yourself the gift of silence and reflection, and ponder how love and loss have affected you as well. There's a lot to be learned from these experiences. They both hurt us, mend us, transform us...in our quest to become a better soul.

Stay Passionate,

RR xo

My Forthcoming Novel THE CHRISTMAS KEYS!!!

Dear Readers,

I'm incredibly amped to bring you the final, published product of last November's NaNoWriMo, "THE CHRISTMAS KEYS." Soon, you will have a fresh copy of my latest romance in your hands.

Every November, I partake, along with 600,000 other authors around North America, in the National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to complete a 50,000 word novel in just 30 days! It's a monstrous feat, at best. But by far, it's my annual gift to myself. You could say...an early Christmas gift.

Along with the blushing afterglow of finishing up Derek and Ronnie's story of adopting the concert pianist child prodigy, Jonathan Spence, I'll be promoting the book regionally. Look for me on local TV and for the book in Kindle and paperback format, and on Amazon for sale. Local book retailers will have a copy as well.

Now, I bid you adieu, as I'm back to final edits. Yes, Fall time is here and it won't be long before the autumn leaves turn into that first, heavenly

snowfall.

Cheering for you always,

RR xo

REST IN PEACE SHILOH: WE WILL MISS YOU

On August 13, 2018 my beloved family pet was euthanized. Trust me. This was not an easy decision to make. Shiloh, our beautiful white haired Schnoodle, was 12 and aging badly. He'd not been eating properly for five weeks. It had gotten to the point where I was hand feeding him morsels from a can of chicken flakes. Poor thing refused to eat any kind of dog food. He knew he was on his last days. Animals try to speed up the death process by deliberately foregoing meals in hopes to end their pain.

The choice to put him to sleep was excruciating for me. To watch him in pain day after day, week after week, was so painful. I felt selfish, because I wanted him alive, to be near as he always had, the faithful companion and the buddy who greeted me at the door as I came in from work. But seeing him deteriorate was more than enough to bear.

When my time comes and it's someone's choice to pull the plug, it won't be easy for them to make that call. We love those close to us and we beg God for "just one more day" in hopes of cherishing those 24 hours forever. Or praying for a miracle.

Shiloh was in my arms, so frail, in that vet office, when they came to take him away. I opted not to watch as they injected him. Instead, I stayed in a side room, sobbing hard. The tears fell like Niagara Falls and I felt so ashamed. What was my problem?He was going to be pain free, finally, and cross that rainbow bridge to doggie heaven to join the other loving souls. He would be at peace and his pain finally gone. But here i was...bawling like a baby. It was for the best, the vet assistant told me, trying to reassure. Yet we love our pets and we linger...hoping for one more hug, one more doggie kiss or wag of the tail that reminds us we are our loved and that we mattered to them.

My Shiloh is resting with angels now. Perhaps he has been greeted by Mr. Lou, our other Schnoodle who passed in October 2012. Or maybe he met with Lady, our beloved Springer Spaniel who died Dec.12, 2000. It's a nice thought to relish. At any rate, he is better off. Me? It took some time to adjust. I would lie in bed after his passing and swore I heard more than a few times his small whimper at my bedroom door to alert me that he wanted in. And I would wake in the morning before work to see his doggie bed was empty. How truly depressing that was. No more 6:00 a.m walks before I hurried off to work.

Now, though, there's a void where Shiloh inhabited my heart. I caught myself on kijiji the other day, perusing ads for puppies. One known breeder of CKC registered English Springer Spaniels had a litter of gorgeous pups born June 11th. Another slap in the face for me. The anniversary of my soulmate Trent passing.  It's like the Universe just grabbed my heart and mocked me with a rollicking laugh that echoed off the walls. I cringed at the irony.

I know one day I'll own another dog. Because dogs love you like no one else. Humans leave you, betray you, mock you, deceive you...but dogs...they love you UNCONDITIONALLY. All they ask for in return is for a scratch behind the ears, a full food dish, walk to the park and some water. Not much at all.

My heart is heavy tonight. I miss you Shiloh. You were a good boy and faithful friend. Rest in peace. Till we meet again. Adios.

RR

Twenty Months Later...YOU ARE LOVED BEYOND MEASURE

In my life, I've witnessed profound things. I've had joy unspeakable...moments of bliss that stole my breath away. Times when I was in awe of a mighty Creator who'd blessed me with countless miracles.

I've also had moments of sorrow and DEEP GRIEF that dropped me to my knees and sucked the life out of me like a sonic vacuum, rendering me powerless.

One such impact that left me crippled and broken was the loss of my beloved Trent. While this post is not one to garner pity by any means, I simply want to share my "DEFINING MOMENT" that knocked me down and broke my heart wide open. I also want to celebrate the 20 months that have dragged on since Trent died June 11, 2016.

You see, the loss of a loved one is never just about "crying it out of your system," "digging a grave," "having a funeral," or "Let's just move on." Rather, the griever will grieve til their last dying breath. Your loss will be with you forever, let's get that straight right here and now. YOU my dear friend, are allowed to grieve fully and eternally. It's your RITE OF PASSAGE. Just remember not to stay in that pit forever. Allow yourself to grieve, embrace your loss and the subsequent transformation that comes with it, and learn to grow, move forward. Moving forward doesn't mean to forget about him/her, but instead, you find new ways to carry your grief more gracefully. Tucked safely in the chambers of your heart, lingering there in a safety deposit box that only YOU can access from time to time.

Today, on my Trent's death anniversary of 20 months, I found myself contemplating things people said to me when he passed on. They were hurtful things, and many were because people close to Trent were numbed by their own pain, or bitterness toward him. One specific female relative vented over the phone, blaming Trent, saying he "wore masks and played roles for every person he encountered."

Wait...what? You mean to tell me that my love story with Trent was a sham, that he faked the entire blessed thing and it was a facade? Lady, you've got another think coming...

For her to have the audacity to try and rob me of my precious memories and of the EPIC AND PROFOUND LOVE Trent and I shared, well, it's just disgraceful. Whatever grudge she's got against him, let her wallow in that hatred, but please don't drag me down your dirt road. My road is paved SOLID GOLD, with endless love flowing like a fountain of pure fondness, romance, comfort and security.

My memories of this beautiful music man are forever wrapped up in satin...enrobed in joy...encased in friendship...enveloped in eternal devotion that will carry me through endless lifetimes. I refuse to think that some hard-hearted relative of Trent's wants to blur my memories of him and to drag his name through the mud, well that's just NOT ACCEPTABLE!!

Why, after nearly two years do these woman's words ring through my head still, you might ask? For starters, it was nasty and hurtful for her to slander my loved one like that, and secondly, I want this person to know that her attempt to mock our love story and failed attempt to rob me, apparently backfired!

Trent Rigel Gardner, no matter what your family said against you, not one single harsh word or attempt to ruin your legacy will ever sway my opinion of you. You are THE ONLY MAN who ever loved me on this planet, the only one who ever seemed to "get me," and your love left a LASTING IMPRESSION on my heart that is forever shielded by our pact of love together. To this life, and to many lifetimes ahead of us, I salute you, Trent.

Twenty months later...YOU ARE LOVED BEYOND MEASURE. You awakened the woman in me, you set ablaze the wildness that the world needed to witness, your influence on my lyrics and songwriting really brought a BRIGHT PALETTE OF COLOR to it all. But most of all,
your grande arrival into this humble author's world made the earth shake beneath my feet, while your departure broke me open, took my vulnerability and created a superpower for me. Your death brought a bittersweet beauty to my life that helped me love you even more...if that is even possible.

My Trent...thank you. Times twenty. XXXX

Forever your Queen,

RR xo

GRIEF: ONE TINY WORD WITH MONUMENTAL IMPACT

Dear Readers,

Lately I've been contemplating just how I'm able to get through most days of my life. Some are bright, sunny and filled with hope, while others are dark and barren, murmuring threats of failure and anguish. Sometimes the sadness consumes me out of nowhere, and I find myself struggling to catch my breath and finish the task at hand.

I have been crushed by the bitterness of death that shook me to my bones, made them ache internally and impacted every neuron and muscle in my body. The weight of that loss almost destroyed me. Just when I think, after 19 months, "Oh, I must be OVER IT"...another wave of grief comes crashing to my shoreline, sweeping me into its choppy current, drowning me.

You cannot escape grief. You can run, you can hide, but you CANNOT get away. GRIEF. Such a tiny word, yet it has MONUMENTAL impact on your life. It's in everything you do, every step you take and every breath you breathe. The power of grief is astounding. Once you experience YOUR FIRST TASTE OF LOSS, you will never be the same.

While it's true, each person's loss is as PERSONAL AS A FINGERPRINT, I am finding out, nearly two years later, just how important that statement is to me. Not a single day goes by that I do not think of Trent, or wish he were here. His face is the one I see when dawn's rays of light hit my eyelids each morning. Everywhere I go, he leaves me a dime at my feet. In a random parking lot, in the middle of an intersection, on the sidewalk, or outside the sub shop on my way to grab lunch. The man loves  me so much, even in the afterlife, (bless his heart) he is STILL trying to get my attention! Tears brim my eyes now as I write this. My heart is so full of love for him, that the others who've tried to occupy a space in my heart since Trent's passing...well, they've fallen short. None have passed the iron gate that protects my heart and maintains his memory so deeply.

I've had friends in recent months lose someone who meant the world to them, and honestly, my heart aches for them. It's their FIRST MAJOR LOSS, the one that change their entire perspective about life and death. It's not easy, coming to terms with losing someone you loved. Everyday is a struggle, just to keep it together, to maintain your sanity. I really don't know how I've coped all this time without him. He was my soulmate, my twin, best friend, confidante, shoulder to cry on, coffee buddy, my escape from this mundane world, and he was my GLORIOUS FUTURE, which I'll never get to experience.

Losing someone isn't just about saying GOODBYE, oh no, it's all about all the million little things you cherished and loved about that person. Their goofy laugh, or the way they could cheer you up LIKE NO ONE ELSE, or the thousand memories you have about them, like an epic movie replaying in your head, day and night. You keep staring at your phone, hoping it will light up with their name and number, and your heart soars with the anticipation that you'll answer the call and hear them. But you know deep down, that's not possible. Because it's all a dream, a very bad dream. If only you could wake from this nightmare.

You will be reminded of your loss during future Christmas gatherings, because they are now absent, or the upcoming birthday where they won't be there to see the glittering candles on their cake. It's all about how their wisdom and advice will be missed most of all, when you need them to help you in a crisis, and they simply aren't there. Maybe you'll have a bad day and desperately ache to hear their voice. Your loss reminds you, OVER AND OVER again, that he or she isn't here, and man, IT SUCKS SO BAD. The only comfort in the midst of this ugly truth is that you were LOVED SO MUCH by them, and that is a fine thing indeed. Knowing that a very special human once graced your life and caused you to FEEL so much love and so much depth. It's breathtaking, really.

Now, as I sit here, wipe away tears and try hard to pull myself together, I'll think of My Trent, and I'll smile. Because that's what he would want for me. He would want me to be happy, and to carry on, despite his untimely departure, and I can still hear him grinning at me saying "Hey, Smiley" as we drove hand in hand down Interstate 505 in Northern California, en route to our favorite breakfast place, Black Oak restaurant, and that warm Sacramento sun would give my skin such a radiant glow. Those were the days, ah, yes. Nothing can match them.

I'll always cherish them, forever. Till my dying breath.

I hope you cherish your loved one always. With a monumental love and memory to last all time.

In sympathy,

RR xo

LINGER: The New Novel

Rosalind Baker loses her entire world when her beloved fiance, Jack, is shot in the line of duty one night.
Grief stricken, she flies to Serenity, Ohio for the funeral and finds refuge in the cozy home of his niece, Janine, a chef and a Medium.
Soon, she is forced to face her pain head-on, and the emergence of a man who happens to be a dead-ringer for Jack -- his much younger nephew, Mark.
In Serenity, the spirit of hope, warm connection and family lingers...but still something else calls to her. She can almost feel the presence of her loved one surrounding her, telling her it's okay to trust the new chapter unfolding.
Can Rosalind heal her broken heart and let love in one more time? Or will she walk away from the one who just might hold the key to solving the mystery?

COMING SOON --from Rochelle Renee, the author of PASSION, LONGING, TEMPEST, THE PERFECT STORM, SNOWFALL & COMING HOME.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE REAL RHETT STEELE!!!

Today is a very special day for the man who inspired the novel "Perfect Storm."

Happy Birthday to the fabulous D.A.(aka Rhett Steele). He's 53 today and I want to wish him all the luck and happiness in the world!!

Cheers Mister Steele ;)

Love,

RR

COMING SOON: LINGER THE NEW NOVEL

Dear readers,

Hope your summer has been a blast so far! Here in Southern Ontario, Canada we have been receiving some hot, muggy days, along with cool, comfortable nights. Overall, though, it's been a summer that I've enjoyed because to be honest, I really mind the heat and humidity. Fall time can't come soon enough for me!

During the spring and summer, I've been working on a brand new novel called "LINGER" and it's been fun.  Take a look at the blurb and tell me what you think! I am beyond excited to release it this Fall. Enjoy and take care :)

RR xo


LINGER

Rochelle Renee

Rosalind Baker is grieving the tragic loss of her fiancé, Jack, shot in cold blood one night on duty. Drowning in sorrow, she heads to Serenity, Ohio to visit his niece, who’s offered a place to stay and grieve.
Janine, a chef and Medium, wants to help Rosalind heal from the horrific crime. Vying for answers, Rosalind finds comfort in Janine's country home, great food and welcoming family.
Deep in sorrow, Rosalind finds beauty and miracles she never expected. 
Janine's younger brother Mark is the odd one in the family. He lives alone and keeps to himself, but is deeply affected by the death, going into further isolation when he hears the news of his beloved uncle’s passing. Mark, aside from Rosalind, was closest to Jack.
Despite their differences, Rosalind finds a common thread with Mark. Not only does he bear a shocking resemblance to her soulmate, but they share the same bond – a fierce love for Jack – which is undeniable.
In time, she begins to fall in love with the charming town that’s quickly become her own little haven. The old birch trees and flowing rivers seem to whisper a secret wisdom to her...a clue about life unfolding on its own terms. As Rosalind begins to heal and unravel the truth of Jack's death, she wonders if the "odd one out" is much more akin to her than she wants to admit.
Perhaps the lingering spirit of a loved one who passed on just might give Rosalind the answers she craves.

BEAUTY FOR ASHES: FROM GRIEF TO GRATITUDE

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/beauty-ashes-from-grief-gratitude-rochelle-renee?published=t