In my life, I've witnessed profound things. I've had joy unspeakable...moments of bliss that stole my breath away. Times when I was in awe of a mighty Creator who'd blessed me with countless miracles.
I've also had moments of sorrow and DEEP GRIEF that dropped me to my knees and sucked the life out of me like a sonic vacuum, rendering me powerless.
One such impact that left me crippled and broken was the loss of my beloved Trent. While this post is not one to garner pity by any means, I simply want to share my "DEFINING MOMENT" that knocked me down and broke my heart wide open. I also want to celebrate the 20 months that have dragged on since Trent died June 11, 2016.
You see, the loss of a loved one is never just about "crying it out of your system," "digging a grave," "having a funeral," or "Let's just move on." Rather, the griever will grieve til their last dying breath. Your loss will be with you forever, let's get that straight right here and now. YOU my dear friend, are allowed to grieve fully and eternally. It's your RITE OF PASSAGE. Just remember not to stay in that pit forever. Allow yourself to grieve, embrace your loss and the subsequent transformation that comes with it, and learn to grow, move forward. Moving forward doesn't mean to forget about him/her, but instead, you find new ways to carry your grief more gracefully. Tucked safely in the chambers of your heart, lingering there in a safety deposit box that only YOU can access from time to time.
Today, on my Trent's death anniversary of 20 months, I found myself contemplating things people said to me when he passed on. They were hurtful things, and many were because people close to Trent were numbed by their own pain, or bitterness toward him. One specific female relative vented over the phone, blaming Trent, saying he "wore masks and played roles for every person he encountered."
Wait...what? You mean to tell me that my love story with Trent was a sham, that he faked the entire blessed thing and it was a facade? Lady, you've got another think coming...
For her to have the audacity to try and rob me of my precious memories and of the EPIC AND PROFOUND LOVE Trent and I shared, well, it's just disgraceful. Whatever grudge she's got against him, let her wallow in that hatred, but please don't drag me down your dirt road. My road is paved SOLID GOLD, with endless love flowing like a fountain of pure fondness, romance, comfort and security.
My memories of this beautiful music man are forever wrapped up in satin...enrobed in joy...encased in friendship...enveloped in eternal devotion that will carry me through endless lifetimes. I refuse to think that some hard-hearted relative of Trent's wants to blur my memories of him and to drag his name through the mud, well that's just NOT ACCEPTABLE!!
Why, after nearly two years do these woman's words ring through my head still, you might ask? For starters, it was nasty and hurtful for her to slander my loved one like that, and secondly, I want this person to know that her attempt to mock our love story and failed attempt to rob me, apparently backfired!
Trent Rigel Gardner, no matter what your family said against you, not one single harsh word or attempt to ruin your legacy will ever sway my opinion of you. You are THE ONLY MAN who ever loved me on this planet, the only one who ever seemed to "get me," and your love left a LASTING IMPRESSION on my heart that is forever shielded by our pact of love together. To this life, and to many lifetimes ahead of us, I salute you, Trent.
Twenty months later...YOU ARE LOVED BEYOND MEASURE. You awakened the woman in me, you set ablaze the wildness that the world needed to witness, your influence on my lyrics and songwriting really brought a BRIGHT PALETTE OF COLOR to it all. But most of all,
your grande arrival into this humble author's world made the earth shake beneath my feet, while your departure broke me open, took my vulnerability and created a superpower for me. Your death brought a bittersweet beauty to my life that helped me love you even more...if that is even possible.
My Trent...thank you. Times twenty. XXXX
Forever your Queen,