100 Days of Gratitude Challenge -- Day #9 -- Forgive Someone You Feel Has Done Wrong By You

Dear Readers,

We've reached day number 9 of the 100 days of Gratitude Challenge. Today, your mission is to "forgive someone you feel has done wrong by you."

WARNING: this blog post is about to get personal. It contains information on horrors that I went through and lived to tell.

On January 4th, 2008, my second husband who I will name "Ken" for the sake of not receiving backlash from said person...well, he walked out on me and my young daughter, just days after New Year's and my seasonal job had ended. Yes, you read that right. I was broke, unemployed, penniless, and now, had to find somewhere new to live. The rent was paid up til Feb 28th, so I had about seven weeks to relocate.  Worse, he didn't give me a "reason" why he was leaving -- just that he suddenly "picked a fight" in the kitchen and threw kitchen items around and grabbed his 2 young sons, packed them in the car with a bag of clothes and he said "I'm out of here." Later, I would discover he had been cheating and being dishonest, just six months into the new marriage. Don't worry, he cheated on the first wife too, I soon learned through a mutual friend of many years.

Luckily, my family still had the old farmhouse and it was vacant. I would take Rachel, only, eight, and move "back home." Oh boy, was I bitter!! There I was at 30 years of age, thinking "Oh I have finally ARRIVED -- married (successfully?) a second time, and we had a blended family. Things were looking up for me, finally.

But that's where I made a fatal mistake. I'd gone into yet another marriage completely BLINDED and refused to see the RED FLAGS that were obviously there from the start. What was my excuse? Co-dependency. Being 30 and naive. Refusing to stand on my own two feet for fear and anxiety that I couldn't make it. Okay, i'm taking accountability right here and now for my own choice to get into this mismatched union.

Just ten days before the wedding ceremony, a man driving a van EN ROUTE to church around the corner from my designated church of my planned wedding...the man had a heart attack at the wheel and DROVE RIGHT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR of the church, St. Stephen's, where I was to be married on July 7th! What an omen! How could I not see the warning signs right in front of my face? Because my own stubborn pride refused to see the truth.  I could have spared myself so much PAIN, if I'd only backed out, cut my losses and maintained my sanity.

Sorry for the long post. To summarize, it was a match made in Hell. He swept me off my feet with poems, roses, romantic dinners, talking on the phone til late hours in the night, bringing me coffee in the morning, wanting to INVEST in me. All the things that a woman wants to happen for her, right? But it was LOVEBOMBING -- the typical narcissistic behavior that one does-- COMES ON STRONG -- to blindside their victim, so they can't see the DECEPTION that is really happening behind the scenes. I was that "new supply" that narcs need to feed their ego and soothe their badly damaged self esteem.

Years later, with therapy, research, good mentoring and recovery, I realize I lived through horrors, shame, lies, slander, public humility, mental and emotional abuse, abandonment, financial control and abuse, and poverty. But still -- I don't feel hatred towards this person. I've run into him a few times over the past 11 years since he left. He is bashful, hangs his head, acts like a shy puppy dog, and tries to strike up conversation...I have been diplomatic and kind each time. One of those occasions was at my job at the mall, where I dodged him and hid behind a clothes rack and proceeded to help a customer. Ten minutes later, "Ken" the ex has the nerve to come back into the store and strike up a conversation - "what are YOU doing, working here?"
My reply - "I helped build the store -- and here I am."

All this time, I still felt ...NOTHING for him. No hatred, no emotion, no sadness, not even regret. I think it's safe to say I've reached the point of FORGIVENESS for this person who used to call me his "Queen" and "Goddess" and "the best thing that ever happened to me."

I wish him well, I really do. Last I heard, he'd moved onto a 3rd marriage. I'll leave that one alone.

This post is about FORGIVENESS, and I truly feel, after moving on and up to better things, I do forgive "Ken." He taught me to stand on my own two feet, to not easily trust people as I had back then, to OWN my power, to believe in myself and myself alone, and I became an entrepreneur of sorts, learning to sell furniture and household goods to feed myself and young daughter, so I've become a master of adaptability, tapping into my God-given gifts of sales, leadership, communications, etc.

That old girl back then in 2008....ugh...I don't even know her!! If I met her today, I'd actually feel ashamed and pity her big time. I'd tell her to pull up her bootstraps and GET THIS DONE, GIRL!

"Ken" -- thank you. I am grateful for you abandoning me. I found myself. I found self love. Self empowerment. I found FREEDOM, not being owned by anyone. I discovered I didn't NEED to be married to someone, to feel validation and worth. I was ALREADY somebody.

To all the abused women out there who think they can't stand on their own two feet -- I urge you to take back your power now -- pack up your things and leave that horrible wretch. God will provide for you, just as he feeds the sparrow.  He will make it possible for you and your children to be fed, sheltered and clothed.

Praying for you always,

xx RR xx

Fall In Love With Yourself

I recall the loneliest times of my life and they make me cringe.

Wounded by a failed second marriage, I carried the pain around for years. Four at least, before I moved on, let the wounds start to heal, and file for the divorce. This did not happen overnight. Along the way, I met quite a few people who helped me see the light. Men who made me smile, helped me flirt with the idea of coupledom by raising my self confidence and boosting my ego.

Prior to filing for the divorce, I had to forgive myself for failing at marriage again. Forgiveness of self is truly instrumental in the quest to finding love. Without it, we hold onto baggage and self deprecation, causing a delay in our growth and hindering our own mental health.

What did I discover in these single years? What magic elixir did I drink to come to this big life changing epiphany?

The answer, simply, was to discover who I was all over again. I needed to accept me, flaws and all, including my shadow side, with all the parts of me that I thought others did not like. First on the list: clumsy. Second: left-handed. Third: just plain misfit. Our destructive self talk is really powerful, and most of us don't realize what negative doom we are manifesting when we bash ourselves or undermine our own magic.

How could I expect to summon love into my life, if I was blaming myself for all that had happened in the past? Becoming my own worst enemy was not the recipe for healing a broken heart. No one can move onward and upwards if they're playing the blame game from yesterday. Dude, that is so, like, 2008.

Did I not realize that I was truly 1 in 7 billion? No other person alive has my DNA codes; the mold was broken when I came along. Realizing this made me suddenly jolt back to reality. Being this unique suddenly gave me an advantage I had never seen before.

Self love is so crucial. We cannot call love into our lives if we don't love ourselves FIRST.

Why is that? Because if you don't love yourself, you don't know what you want, need or deserve. Then you wander around, lost and clueless, searching for something you just can't seem to define. It's like having an invisible list of tasks or goals with no real aim. Get real about who you are and what you want. Things will soon fall into place.

Once you accept your darkness and light --in turn, embracing your essence-- all the lovely components that make up the masterpiece of YOU become crystal clear. Soon, you're living a charmed life that is robust, colorful and passionate. There is no regret, no second guessing, and you experience a FREEDOM that is so amazing. Breathe in the calm of having nothing to prove, and no one to prove it to. You will care less about what others think, too. The liberation is pure bliss.

It's a shame how people run from the beauty of who they were born to be. Stand in the mirror, look at the person staring back at you. What do you see? Let me remind you that being single doesn't mean you are worthless. Think of the benefits to being alone at this time. There's no one to answer to, no one to impress but yourself. You can put on that favorite song and crank it REALLY LOUD without offending that partner in the house.

Learn to romance yourself. Take a walk on the beach during sunset, sit on a vista and watch the city lights glittering in the distance, browse lovely thrift shops and find nostalgic items, spoil yourself with a new dress or outfit at a boutique, go to a movie that only YOU would love. Bonus point: you don't have to fret or argue with your date over which flick to see. No compromising here. Myself, I go to concerts in the city alone, or to karaoke --solo--if I can't find a friend who is free on a Thursday or Sunday night. Heck, I'll show up in my diva glory, belt out some Motown gem by Mary Wells or wow the crowd with a rockin' Shania tune. In my element, it's truly phenomenal. It feels like I'm home, and the joy bursting from my heart seems to light up the whole room. It doesn't matter if I show up to these places alone. Because I've learned to love my own company, there's always a new friend I meet along the way, and I'm pushed off my couch and out of the comfort zone. There's life out there! Go and see for yourself. Go ahead, grab these moments while you can.

Self love is a beautiful journey of the soul that begs us to truly look inside ourselves and find the jewel that is waiting to be awakened again, after so many years of a deep sleep. Divorce or heartbreak can really destroy our self esteem and make us feel broken down, ugly, or unloveable. Remember, though, that you are transitioning and moving forward, so take the time you need to heal those battle scars, but don't dwell too long there. You can become too comfortable in bitterville, letting the heartache seep into your soul, and rob you of the dazzling potential that is waiting to be discovered.

I truly hope that you will learn to fall in love with the majestic person you are. One in seven billion, baby. Now THAT is something to be proud of.

As always, keep the passion alive.

Cheering for you,

xx RR xx