Happy 59th Birthday in Heaven, My Loving Trent

 Dear Readers,

This is the 59th birthday of my loving Trent, my soulmate, confidante, best friend, and biggest cheerleader.

My heart has a gaping hole that's never healed, since he died June 11, 2016.

I miss him every day, every hour, every minute that he is not here.

Let's wish him the BEST and BRIGHTEST birthday of all time! He is watching over me from heaven, each and every day. How do I know this? He sends me "signs" all the time. 

He leaves me dimes everywhere I go, with the year "2016" on them, to commemorate his passing and so that I will know it's him for sure.

He sends vehicles with the license plate 419 for his police badge or 611 for his death anniversary.

Trent loves me, beyond the grave, beyond all eternity. He sends people to comfort me on my dark days, he sends songs out of nowhere..."I left my Heart in San Francisco"(Tony Bennett)..."Owner of a Lonely Heart"(YES)..."Money"(Pink Floyd)...just to name a few.

He sent a piano player to my work...she plays every lunch hour on the piano, two of my all time favorites..."I Believe" and "You'll Never Walk Alone." Her name is Patricia, a sunny, loving, delightful lady who had no clue these songs got me through painful times in my life. I sobbed when I first heard her gentle fingers dancing across the keys on the piano. I can't even make this stuff up.

Without further ado...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN, TRENT RIGEL GARDNER. MISS YOU. ALWAYS XXXX

Love always,

Your Queen,

RR xo

The 100- Day GRATITUDE Challenge -- Day #4 -- Say out loud three of your greatest strengths

Dear Readers,

We've hit day #4 for the Gratitude Challenge!

Today, we are saying out loud THREE of our GREATEST STRENGTHS.

Okay, I'll go first...

1. Resilience
2. Passion
3. Patience

There's obviously much more I can add to the list, but I don't want to overwhelm you (wink wink).

I chose RESILIENCE because it's what I've come to know and acquire in the last few decades. Over losses (my Trent's suicide), two failed marriages, jobs that didn't work out the way I wanted them to, plans that fell through (the move to California --sob!!) or people that revealed their wolf faces after dropping the sheep's clothing...whatever it might be...

I learned RESILIENCE...was forced to...because of changing climates and seasons of my life. Am I sorry? Not really. These shifting sands prepare us for heavier times or for titles and positions we have been called to fill. Without the PRESSURE, how is the DIAMOND supposed to be made? I love the meme My Trent sent me before he passed. "You're a Diamond, dear, they can't break you." That man uplifted and supported me like a world class cheerleader and coach!! I am forever changed by his arrival and departure, but always GRATEFUL for the love of Trent Rigel Gardner. Rest in peace, my magnificent music man. XXXX.

Number 2 for my strengths is...PASSION!! Just as the title of my first published book suggests, it is PASSION that has propelled me forward.

Passion to write my books, get up in the morning (even with hypothyroidism and sleep disorder), motivation to inspire people around me...PASSION to keep smiling! to stay the course...to let the world know that I CAN DO THIS THING CALLED LIFE. Yes, Passion is also something you can bring with you to every job interview. I believe it's the main ingredient that has nabbed me the job. Every. Single. Time.

Now, Patience...the third and final strength. Sigh. Had to learn it the hard way. Many seasons of disappointment. Trial after trial, hill after hill, valley after valley, blizzard upon blizzard....well, you get the picture. What was my takeaway from each experience that I was forced to learn Patience? I'd have to honestly say it was just to DROP EXPECTATIONS. Having things pre-planned in your mind sets you up for failure and disappointment, whether it's for that house you planned closing on, that new date you banked on working out (they never called again) or the job offer that fell through (they chose someone more qualified?). Patience has taught me that even in the messiest, hardest times of my life, WHAT'S MEANT FOR ME WILL NEVER PASS ME BY. Solid truth.

Okay, back to the Gratitude thing. Yes, Patience is a virtue, once you learn just why it is a thing for you and why it's good to learn. Because when you're caught in a frenzy trying to do this chaotic life, you literally CANNOT BREATHE and that's when the CLARITY cannot get through to you. Chaos, worry, rushing, hurrying, or any kind of panic will not bring you anything worthwhile or productive. So let yourself SLOW DOWN...BREATHE into the space. allow the convictions and the clarity to come through. Now, what do you feel? Sense? See? Hear?

Patience. Peace of mind. Serenity. Things make sense. Your whole life is going to fall into place now.

List 3 things you are proud of and that make GOOD STRENGTHS for you!  I know you have many...

Cheering for you always,

RR xo

GRIEFWORK AND WHY IT'S NEVER DONE AND OVER WITH

Dear Readers,

Today I feel called to write about grief work and the repercussions of losing a loved one. This post is not meant to celebrate sorrow at all, but rather, to highlight what might encompass the work we need to do in our grief journey.

If you think there's a timeline on your grief, then you are absolutely DEAD WRONG. Grief has no timeline, no COMPLETION DATE, no FINALLY-I-PASSED-THE-FINISH LINE.

YOUR GRIEF IS FOREVER. YOUR LOSS DEEPLY PERSONAL. YOU WILL GRIEVE YOUR LOVED ONE'S DEPARTURE TIL YOU TAKE YOUR LAST BREATH.

I'm not trying to scare you or be melodramatic. I am only speaking truth. Let's be as transparent as possible, shall we?

To say your loved one has passed on and met the pearly gates and poof, they are gone forever is dismissive and rather dull, don't you think? While they walked this earth, they were vibrant, BOLD and celebrated life in all their TECHNICOLOR SPLENDOR, so now tell me...how do you expect them to just be a tiny wisp of vapor in the grand scheme of things? Ancient history in the broad spectrum of the silver screen of life that is pulsing with action and excitement. Please. Spare me.

Let me tell you what I think about this grief work. It's called WORK for a reason. We shift and stumble in our grief journey, we have valleys and peaks, we will crest the highest mountain with joy one moment and be down in death valley the next. One sunny day, we'll think we are "FINALLY PAST IT"and whoopeee!!! I feel so much better!!! I'll never shed another tear again. WRONG. DEAD WRONG. Your grief journey, I am sorry to say, follows you like your own shadow. It's everywhere and down every avenue and alley way.

It's the scent of perfume on a lady passing by or the hint of aftershave on a man who crosses your path and sends your senses reeling back to that moment in time when they were in your arms or closeby in a warm conversation...it's the song that randomly comes on in Safeway as you bag your Granny Smith apples or choose your favorite cereal. Grief work is the random name a passing person calls out in a crowd..."come here Zach" a mother calls out to her tousled haired boy....and you freeze on the spot and feel numb all over, just like the day you found out they'd breathed their last breath and they were never coming back. Or perhaps it's the woman who calls out "Trent" in the midst of your deep thoughts while fulfilling an important errand. It could also be the license plate on a car in front of you that says SANDY22 that suddenly makes the dam bust open and the last 15 years you lost with Sandy come rushing back and you suddenly recall that you've lost many years with your loved one and the kids that she should've raised with you have all grown up right before your eyes and gone off to college! Oh the heartbreak! Oh the sensations! Now the dam has busted and you're trying to wipe your eyes and see the road ahead as you drive. See how real this grief thing is?

Sorry to make the floodgates open all over again. It's just that tonight I've felt convicted to share the feelings in my heart and how my own loss has altered, broken and molded me into the woman that I am today. I have no one else to thank but my Loving Trent who took his life on a sunny Saturday morning at 6:00 a.m. Pacific time on June 11, 2016 in Vacaville, California with a gun in his mouth in his own front yard. Trent Rigel Gardner, the musical mastermind, the poet, the unassuming rock star, the private man with paranoia who suffered in silence, the brilliant, courageous cop, the loving father, the caring soulmate, the provider and protector who fought his demons till the bitter end. He loved me so hard and deeply, was my best friend and confidante, and he loved me JUST AS I AM, the way no one else ever could. Never made me change, never criticized or belittled me, or expected anything other than my own magnificent self.  I celebrate him today and always. For, meeting him has made me a better woman. I've grown, I've cried, I've sobbed like a baby, become a hot mess, was confused and lost, and found my way (gratefully) through my grief journey, and 3 years later, I'm here to tell my story of victory. Trent I love you forever. I'm proud of who I've become through this process and what I've learned. I wouldn't change a single thing and I don't regret loving you.

So you see, this "grief work" is eternal. It never changes and it never goes away. Our loved one(s) walk beside us daily. We learn as we go, pick ourselves up off the ground and straighten ourselves out. We chide ourselves for not being "over it yet" and how dare we cry silently in secret corners or private rooms when we've certainly had "long enough" to process and get over this thing called loss.

Don't beat yourself up and don't you dare chastise yourself for not wiping the slate clean. Your memories, feelings, emotions, love and passion are all VERY REAL AND VALID parts of the grief journey. Embrace who you are, always remember your loved one, and learn to welcome the flood of tears when they come. Because as they say, where there was GREAT LOVE there is also DEEP GRIEF. For sorrow is the price you must pay for loving someone so completely.

Finally, I'm here to commend and salute you for the courage you've shown in your grief work. Bravo!!! Round of applause! Keep going!!! It never ends, but it does get better, I promise you.

Cheering for you always,

RR xo

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO MY LOVING TRENT IN HEAVEN!! MISS YOU MORE THAN WORDS

Just a little note to My Trent in Heaven.

Today was hard. He isn't here beside me and I didn't get to go to dinner with him and share tender moments.

But my heart remembers him every. single. day. every. single. moment.

Miss you Trent. Love you eternally!!

With all my love and my heart...

till we meet again!!

Your Queen,

RR xo

THREE YEARS SINCE YOUR PASSING...LOVE IS ALIVE AND WELL

Dear Readers,

My soulmate Trent Rigel Gardner passed away. June 11, 2016. This entry is a tribute to all he meant to me and continues to inspire in me.

***Warrior with a heart of gold***

You never let me go without,
kept me alive
with all the love you had inside

More than a man in a suit
or a musician...
you changed how I viewed the world
transformed my vision
to clearly see
How an EVOLVED MAN was meant to be

Melted my heart
broke down the barriers
and pain from my past
allowed me to grow into
the EVOLVED WOMAN
God created me to be

Without your hand
guiding me
I would not be a fragment
Of who I am continually
Steadfast, resilient, romantic
STRONG, independent,
SURVIVOR.

Your death nearly killed me.
In truth, I asked God to take me
But i have so much MORE to live for
a daughter, a career, a MISSION

My heart is forever YOURS
My Loving Trent,
Nothing can separate us
we were meant

Grateful, eternally
for the daily walk
you share with me
You've never left my side
I feel you near, so strong
Somehow our hearts BELONG
together

Three years since your
passing

Really don't understand
how i'm still breathing
But the miracle is...
I AM.
Love is alive and well
it will be waiting for you
When it's my time...
to pass through the veil

I LOVE YOU MY KING.

RR XXXX

HAPPY EASTER TO MY LOVING TRENT IN HEAVEN

Now more than ever...as I approach the 3 year mark of my soulmate Trent's death...I feel the inevitable ache of loss so deep. More than I have since his death.

Maybe it's because the holidays bring all those old feelings to the surface. Perhaps it's because another year has come around and the reality hits hard: he is never coming back. Also, I believe it's been my writing projects and little distractions (people, places and new experiences) that allowed me to stuff my feelings down...into a place so deep....that I convinced myself the pain was gone.

But that's just wishful thinking. Because I can never stop feeling the raw ache that Trent Gardner left me when he took his life June 11, 2016.

My heart will be forever broken, and that's something I've accepted. Even though I'd rather pretend he faked his death or that this was all just a dream.

Trent Rigel Gardner changed me for the better. He brought a RICHNESS, a luxury, a simplicity to my life. That may seem an oxymoron, but it's true. I felt like a millionaire when I found him and I also felt like the most real, organic and unassuming goddess ever born.

He just knew how to love me, in ways no one else could ever. The man knew how to love me "by default"...as though he were programmed that way, just for me. Loving him was natural, like breathing...no thought put into it, no effort or striving.

His presence in my life was MONUMENTAL. I can only speak for my own experience, but it's true. Others will attest that they saw a different Trent, one of many faces that he put on for each person in his life. But I know him to be only my ONE TRUE LOVE. He was my twin soul, and there was a SYNERGY between us that just seemed to flow. Like the life force energy of the Universe. Natural, beautiful, infinite. A chemistry that I can never forget.

This Easter I want to celebrate my Trent. All over again. For being that Flame to light me when the world is cold.

His kindness and generosity warmed me no end. It transformed me, and I'm a better woman because of him.

I LOVE YOU TRENT. NOW AND ALWAYS. I'LL BE THERE TO WELCOME YOU WHEN IT'S MY TIME TO PASS. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, I REMAIN ALWAYS...

YOUR QUEEN,

RR XO

Twenty Months Later...YOU ARE LOVED BEYOND MEASURE

In my life, I've witnessed profound things. I've had joy unspeakable...moments of bliss that stole my breath away. Times when I was in awe of a mighty Creator who'd blessed me with countless miracles.

I've also had moments of sorrow and DEEP GRIEF that dropped me to my knees and sucked the life out of me like a sonic vacuum, rendering me powerless.

One such impact that left me crippled and broken was the loss of my beloved Trent. While this post is not one to garner pity by any means, I simply want to share my "DEFINING MOMENT" that knocked me down and broke my heart wide open. I also want to celebrate the 20 months that have dragged on since Trent died June 11, 2016.

You see, the loss of a loved one is never just about "crying it out of your system," "digging a grave," "having a funeral," or "Let's just move on." Rather, the griever will grieve til their last dying breath. Your loss will be with you forever, let's get that straight right here and now. YOU my dear friend, are allowed to grieve fully and eternally. It's your RITE OF PASSAGE. Just remember not to stay in that pit forever. Allow yourself to grieve, embrace your loss and the subsequent transformation that comes with it, and learn to grow, move forward. Moving forward doesn't mean to forget about him/her, but instead, you find new ways to carry your grief more gracefully. Tucked safely in the chambers of your heart, lingering there in a safety deposit box that only YOU can access from time to time.

Today, on my Trent's death anniversary of 20 months, I found myself contemplating things people said to me when he passed on. They were hurtful things, and many were because people close to Trent were numbed by their own pain, or bitterness toward him. One specific female relative vented over the phone, blaming Trent, saying he "wore masks and played roles for every person he encountered."

Wait...what? You mean to tell me that my love story with Trent was a sham, that he faked the entire blessed thing and it was a facade? Lady, you've got another think coming...

For her to have the audacity to try and rob me of my precious memories and of the EPIC AND PROFOUND LOVE Trent and I shared, well, it's just disgraceful. Whatever grudge she's got against him, let her wallow in that hatred, but please don't drag me down your dirt road. My road is paved SOLID GOLD, with endless love flowing like a fountain of pure fondness, romance, comfort and security.

My memories of this beautiful music man are forever wrapped up in satin...enrobed in joy...encased in friendship...enveloped in eternal devotion that will carry me through endless lifetimes. I refuse to think that some hard-hearted relative of Trent's wants to blur my memories of him and to drag his name through the mud, well that's just NOT ACCEPTABLE!!

Why, after nearly two years do these woman's words ring through my head still, you might ask? For starters, it was nasty and hurtful for her to slander my loved one like that, and secondly, I want this person to know that her attempt to mock our love story and failed attempt to rob me, apparently backfired!

Trent Rigel Gardner, no matter what your family said against you, not one single harsh word or attempt to ruin your legacy will ever sway my opinion of you. You are THE ONLY MAN who ever loved me on this planet, the only one who ever seemed to "get me," and your love left a LASTING IMPRESSION on my heart that is forever shielded by our pact of love together. To this life, and to many lifetimes ahead of us, I salute you, Trent.

Twenty months later...YOU ARE LOVED BEYOND MEASURE. You awakened the woman in me, you set ablaze the wildness that the world needed to witness, your influence on my lyrics and songwriting really brought a BRIGHT PALETTE OF COLOR to it all. But most of all,
your grande arrival into this humble author's world made the earth shake beneath my feet, while your departure broke me open, took my vulnerability and created a superpower for me. Your death brought a bittersweet beauty to my life that helped me love you even more...if that is even possible.

My Trent...thank you. Times twenty. XXXX

Forever your Queen,

RR xo

DEEP RIVER -- YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED BEYOND MEASURE

On June 11, I lost my best friend in the whole world.

Trent Gardner passed suddenly and my heart shattered into a million pieces.

He was my soulmate, lover, best friend, confidante and twin. We met in the most miraculous way over a tweet I'd sent to my favorite band. When Trent found me, it was against all odds, one in 7 billion, pure magic. The fact we were separated by 2200 miles was a miracle, but finding him after a lifetime of hoping for a soulmate...surreal.

Trent was the mastermind musician, the charismatic angel, and the loving soul who would help his fellow man in need. He had a deep, profound sense of humanity and his empathetic heart stole mine instantly. Everyday with Trent was a blessing I will never take for granted.

California was his heritage, his native land. I had written about that beautiful Pacific from the time I was 16, in a novel about a bicoastal love affair between a female journalist in Chicago and a music producer in L.A. The distance between Toronto and Sacramento was the same in mileage. Essentially, I'd written our love story some 22 years before meeting. The prophecy was mind-blowing.

When we finally met, I got to check off a mark on my bucket list, We crossed the Golden Gate bridge one sunny October Saturday at 11:11 a.m. The twin flame hour, as I liked to call it. The sunlight glistened in my auburn hair and I closed my eyes, reveling in the miracle of our love.

Rigel, meaning brightest star, was his middle name. Incidentally, my character from the novel "Against All Odds (1993)" was named Starr Elizabeth Taylor.  Trent would then go on to tell me that his mother loved the actress Elizabeth Taylor and that Mom's ancestors bore the name Taylor. Eerie coincidence? Or just confirmation that we were destined to meet?

Many parallels guided us. My university was called Trent, and his daughter and my cousins lived in Henderson, Nevada. Too close for comfort. Breathtaking. Phenomenal. We also shared the same family birthdays between us. Everything in the Universe was saying "green light: GO."

Over the course of five months, I flew to California eight times. The hours with Trent were bliss, the moments I got to share with him, forever emblazoned in my mind. My heart swelled with gratitude and sheer reverence for the man who'd suddenly swept me off my feet and made my whole world a wonderland of joy.

Both creatively blessed, he a gifted songwriter and producer; myself, a journalist and romance novelist with a history degree, we clicked so well. A meeting of minds, similar and sacred. A union of hearts, unmistakably bound for each other.

But his life was cut short suddenly. It ended too soon. And my heart is eternally broken. I can't believe I will never hear his voice again. I'm frozen in a state of shock that my phone will never ring and I won't hear that good morning greeting, midday banter or evening wind-down before we sleep. All I can do is encapsulate the memories, hold onto the brief moments, and forever entrench myself in the exquisite songs he left behind. Luckily, I recorded a lot of voice clips we shared with each other. Those are golden. Platinum. Stellar. I can hear him anytime I feel the urge to be close to him. He is here. beside me. Always, Guiding me. My "brightest star" in a vast sky of glittering gems. He stands out. The most luminous of all.

I love you, My Deep River. Infinitely. Forevermore.

You are loved and missed beyond measure. I cannot numb the pain cascading from my heart. It's just so unbearable. But in time, it will subside, the shock and horror of your departure will dim, and I will be left with a bittersweet mist that will envelope me in my times of grief.

The roses you sent me...still stand in the tall glass vase. A constant reminder of your die-hard romantic ways. The greeting cards and the telegram all declare a love so strong and timeless that nothing could rival. The video clips of you singing to me...I can watch them anytime I feel the wave of loneliness wash over me. The recording of our fabulous and fun karaoke night...when you blew them all away with the Chicago song "Beginnings"...that will carry me through the hard times.

Now, I will hold you in my heart forever. Your legacy lives on in me, and in the songs that echo through the vast expanse of eternity. So many loved you, and what a blessing to embrace!

Trent, you changed my life in so many powerful ways. I hope you knew that you brought meaning, passion and renewal to a heart once barren.

Rest now, dear soulmate, in angel wings. Your pain is gone. Your mission complete. Until we meet again, my love. Adieu.

RR