Maybe it's because the holidays bring all those old feelings to the surface. Perhaps it's because another year has come around and the reality hits hard: he is never coming back. Also, I believe it's been my writing projects and little distractions (people, places and new experiences) that allowed me to stuff my feelings down...into a place so deep....that I convinced myself the pain was gone.
But that's just wishful thinking. Because I can never stop feeling the raw ache that Trent Gardner left me when he took his life June 11, 2016.
My heart will be forever broken, and that's something I've accepted. Even though I'd rather pretend he faked his death or that this was all just a dream.
Trent Rigel Gardner changed me for the better. He brought a RICHNESS, a luxury, a simplicity to my life. That may seem an oxymoron, but it's true. I felt like a millionaire when I found him and I also felt like the most real, organic and unassuming goddess ever born.
He just knew how to love me, in ways no one else could ever. The man knew how to love me "by default"...as though he were programmed that way, just for me. Loving him was natural, like breathing...no thought put into it, no effort or striving.
His presence in my life was MONUMENTAL. I can only speak for my own experience, but it's true. Others will attest that they saw a different Trent, one of many faces that he put on for each person in his life. But I know him to be only my ONE TRUE LOVE. He was my twin soul, and there was a SYNERGY between us that just seemed to flow. Like the life force energy of the Universe. Natural, beautiful, infinite. A chemistry that I can never forget.
This Easter I want to celebrate my Trent. All over again. For being that Flame to light me when the world is cold.
His kindness and generosity warmed me no end. It transformed me, and I'm a better woman because of him.
I LOVE YOU TRENT. NOW AND ALWAYS. I'LL BE THERE TO WELCOME YOU WHEN IT'S MY TIME TO PASS. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, I REMAIN ALWAYS...
YOUR QUEEN,
RR XO
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