ALL ALONG, I WAS A SOMEBODY

Dear Readers,

Does any of the following sound familiar?

When I grow up, I'm going to BE SOMEBODY.

When I'm older, I'll be a millionaire, debt free, with a huge house, nice car, and all the material goods, toys, yacht, motorhome, house in the Hamptons, luxury clothes, and others will envy me for it. Then, and only then, will I BE SOMEBODY.

When I find "the right person" then I will BE SOMEBODY.

When I marry into money, I'll BE SOMEBODY.

When I finally publish that screenplay or bestselling book, I'LL BE SOMEBODY.

When I'm the news anchor for a major network on TV, then I will BE SOMEBODY.

When I get that PhD in medicine, philosophy or physics, I'll finally BE SOMEBODY.

When I buy that classic car and cruise through my neighborhood and down the freeway with the wind in my hair, I'll BE SOMEBODY.

When I lose 50 pounds and look like Heidi Klum in a tight fitting cocktail dress, men will chase me and fall at my feet, and dammit, I'll BE SOMEBODY.

When I get that Botox, breast augmentation, or other cosmetic surgery to "fix" my God-given face and body, and if I Keep Up With The Kardashians,  then I will finally BE SOMEBODY.

When I've booked that vacation to the Caribbean and I'm on the beach in my hot pink bikini showing the world my tight body, then I will BE SOMEBODY.

How many of these limiting beliefs did you recognize about yourself?

I know I definitely did. While I was growing up in a blue collar family, these beliefs were projected onto me and indoctrinated heavily into my innocent mind, and I grew up believing if I was blue-eyed and sun-kissed with a size 2 body and long, flowing blond hair down my back like Christie Brinkley or Niki Taylor, then I would finally BE LOVED AND ADORED BY MEN.
My mother did all this to me. She was always on a "30 day fast" to lose 30 pounds. She told me all my life, if you don't keep your figure slim at size 6 or your weight at around 107 pounds, then you will deceive your husband for not staying the original size in which he met you.
She was constantly on a diet, obsessing over food and weight. Luckily, I never went that route. I did one day grow up, get married and have a child. I lost my slim figure and traded it in for a shapely but healthy woman's figure "with curves." Guess what happened? Men STILL chased me. In fact, I got more attention with those curves. I had CONFIDENCE and SELF ESTEEM, knowing I had grown into my own skin, the body that God gave me, even with society-dubbed "flaws" -- and it was fine!!

All my life, I was told "you'll be a somebody...if only you had A, B, and C..."

Later, in my thirties, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism/Hashimoto's which wreaked havoc on my immune system, hormones and weight. Mom's voice again chanted at me: "lose 40 pounds and a man will love you."

My heart sank. I couldn't imagine that a parent could place such strict conditions on her love for her daughter. What she was REALLY saying was "Rochelle, I don't accept you the way you look right now. Lose some weight and I'll show you off to my friends and family. You can be my trophy."

Women much bigger than me....even ones at 300 pounds...were seen walking in public holding hands with a man who seemed to adore them. The whole thing seemed puzzling to me and untrue.

In 2015, the best match of my life came along, and he treated me like a QUEEN. He was an influential and well-respected music man in the San Francisco area, a powerful vocalist, superb keyboard player and trombonist, who'd worked with Steve Walsh of Kansas, the guitarist from Dream Theater, CHICAGO the band, even Jon Anderson of the famed YES group. Trent loved and adored me JUST THE WAY I WAS. I remember singing him the Billy Joel song with similar lyric and he laughed at me. But I'd made my point. I'll love you just the way you are.

Funny thing....women were chasing him...ATTRACTIVE women too with glamorous clothes, tight bodies and nice cars. But he didn't want them. I once asked him "Trent, why is that you're seeing a woman 2200 miles away...when all the glamorous women are right in your hometown...tonnes of them?"

He replied: "Because, Rochelle, you're REAL." Then he explained that my transparency, authenticity, lack of physical alterations and natural beauty made him fall in love with me. My vulnerability and willingness to SHOW UP, just as I am. He said that's what did it for him. No amount of "perfection" was going to sway him otherwise.

Today, I think of his kind words, the wisdom he shared with me, his loving devotion...and it makes my heart hurt for the women out there who sit in self doubt, punish themselves with one more diet, one more surgery, another pair of designer shoes bought to fill that void. My heart aches for the ladies who believe they are not worthy enough to experience the love that I had with Trent. Deep, magnificent, soul-stirring love that changes the game entirely. Conscious love. The AWAKENED KIND.

All along, I know I was a SOMEBODY.

No amount of money, or fancy degrees framed on the wall, luxury cars, mansions, Manolo shoes, Botox, size 2 dresses or marriages of influence were going to VALIDATE ME.

All along, I had THE POWER.

I hope you too can look in the mirror and love yourself and know that you're a SOMEBODY.

My prayer for you today is to simply exercise SELF COMPASSION and self care rituals. To go deep within and find that little girl who was taught those horrible limiting beliefs, and give her a big hug. Tell her how loved she really is. That she only needed to show up AUTHENTICALLY and she learn she

could make a difference on this hurting world.

I hope you know, dear readers, how much you REALLY, TRULY ARE A SOMEBODY.

Cheering for you always,

RR xo

SURVIVOR'S GUILT AFTER A SUICIDE LOSS

Dear Readers,

This is a sensitive topic, since you know by now that I lost my soulmate, Trent Gardner on June 11, 2016 to suicide. He was a brilliant man, a musical mastermind, a producing powerhouse in the studio, with a range and perfect pitch that rivaled Peter Cetera of the legendary rock band CHICAGO.  He worked with legends like Steve Walsh of KANSAS and Jon Anderson of YES.
Trent was, what I believed him to be, high functioning bi-polar with paranoia, but UNDIAGNOSED.

He never spoke of being depressed. He never shared that he was lost and hurting. He suffered in silence, to dodge the stigma of being a man born in 1961 and having mental health issues. The shame he carried was unbelievable and I knew deep down, something was very wrong. Yet I couldn't help him. No one could. He isolated himself and pushed everyone away from him, rather than reaching out and letting me know how deep he'd gone to the point of no return.

Trent was a retired police officer from the Vallejo, California police force. He was a huge teddy bear, and a big warm bundle of empathy. His brilliance, intelligence, kindness and tenderness with me...Oh My...I can't fully articulate here what it all meant to me. Simply put, he was LOVED BEYOND MEASURE.

Still, 3 years later, I'm still in shock over his death. This man loved me SO MUCH! He made me feel loved, validated me, supported, and he was my biggest cheerleader and confidante. I could be totally unabashedly myself and he accepted me that way, warts, freckles, scars, flaws, quirks and all. Life with Trent was an adventure of the heart....amazing!!!

But for a long time, I carried a copious amount of SURVIVOR'S GUILT over the death. Like, come on, I was going to marry him and give him a child....so how could I possibly miss THE SIGNS that he was going to open his mouth and place a gun in there? How blind could I be, right?

Being a survivor of suicide loss is a heavy cross to bear. Unless you've gone through it yourself, you really don't have a clue how heartwrenching the pain is. All the things we run through our minds...after the fact. After they've pulled the trigger, swallowed the entire bottle of pills, or hung themselves from the ceiling. Why didn't I do something? Why didn't I see it? How could I not PLAY GOD and stop him/her from executing that horrific and fatal act? After all, I AM Joe Hero.....or Wonder Woman.....I have superpowers...I can take on the world and be INVINCIBLE. This should be a piece of cake. Stop someone from hearing the voices, alleviate their suffering, somehow magically banish all the pain they've endured since they were born. NOOO!!!!!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD....STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT. HONESTLY. SINCERELY. PLEASE, JUST STOP THE BLAME GAME. THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE.

Our loved one who suicided....had it planned out for a long time. They battled their demons and fought the good fight...til the bitter end. You couldn't have held their hand, eased their troubles, and monitored them 24 hours a day....just to prevent this. How exhausting that would be!!! You would have to give up so much of YOUR OWN sanity, just to keep them alive. And even then, we have no guarantee of that.

Guilt is like a poison. It's like drinking an entire bottle of Clorox and expecting to be "okay" after that. NOOO! What happens? You die from the repercussions.

Your loved one KNOWS you did your best. They're crossed over safely to THE OTHER SIDE, living in the Divine White Light, and basking in the glory of being healed. In their haven of Paradise, they're smiling down at us...wishing we could only see how perfect they are now, in God's Hands.

Please, if there is any takeaway from this blog post...let it be simply knowing...you did your best.

I mean that. Sincerely. Deeply.

Sending massive love to you,

RR xo

GRIEFWORK AND WHY IT'S NEVER DONE AND OVER WITH

Dear Readers,

Today I feel called to write about grief work and the repercussions of losing a loved one. This post is not meant to celebrate sorrow at all, but rather, to highlight what might encompass the work we need to do in our grief journey.

If you think there's a timeline on your grief, then you are absolutely DEAD WRONG. Grief has no timeline, no COMPLETION DATE, no FINALLY-I-PASSED-THE-FINISH LINE.

YOUR GRIEF IS FOREVER. YOUR LOSS DEEPLY PERSONAL. YOU WILL GRIEVE YOUR LOVED ONE'S DEPARTURE TIL YOU TAKE YOUR LAST BREATH.

I'm not trying to scare you or be melodramatic. I am only speaking truth. Let's be as transparent as possible, shall we?

To say your loved one has passed on and met the pearly gates and poof, they are gone forever is dismissive and rather dull, don't you think? While they walked this earth, they were vibrant, BOLD and celebrated life in all their TECHNICOLOR SPLENDOR, so now tell me...how do you expect them to just be a tiny wisp of vapor in the grand scheme of things? Ancient history in the broad spectrum of the silver screen of life that is pulsing with action and excitement. Please. Spare me.

Let me tell you what I think about this grief work. It's called WORK for a reason. We shift and stumble in our grief journey, we have valleys and peaks, we will crest the highest mountain with joy one moment and be down in death valley the next. One sunny day, we'll think we are "FINALLY PAST IT"and whoopeee!!! I feel so much better!!! I'll never shed another tear again. WRONG. DEAD WRONG. Your grief journey, I am sorry to say, follows you like your own shadow. It's everywhere and down every avenue and alley way.

It's the scent of perfume on a lady passing by or the hint of aftershave on a man who crosses your path and sends your senses reeling back to that moment in time when they were in your arms or closeby in a warm conversation...it's the song that randomly comes on in Safeway as you bag your Granny Smith apples or choose your favorite cereal. Grief work is the random name a passing person calls out in a crowd..."come here Zach" a mother calls out to her tousled haired boy....and you freeze on the spot and feel numb all over, just like the day you found out they'd breathed their last breath and they were never coming back. Or perhaps it's the woman who calls out "Trent" in the midst of your deep thoughts while fulfilling an important errand. It could also be the license plate on a car in front of you that says SANDY22 that suddenly makes the dam bust open and the last 15 years you lost with Sandy come rushing back and you suddenly recall that you've lost many years with your loved one and the kids that she should've raised with you have all grown up right before your eyes and gone off to college! Oh the heartbreak! Oh the sensations! Now the dam has busted and you're trying to wipe your eyes and see the road ahead as you drive. See how real this grief thing is?

Sorry to make the floodgates open all over again. It's just that tonight I've felt convicted to share the feelings in my heart and how my own loss has altered, broken and molded me into the woman that I am today. I have no one else to thank but my Loving Trent who took his life on a sunny Saturday morning at 6:00 a.m. Pacific time on June 11, 2016 in Vacaville, California with a gun in his mouth in his own front yard. Trent Rigel Gardner, the musical mastermind, the poet, the unassuming rock star, the private man with paranoia who suffered in silence, the brilliant, courageous cop, the loving father, the caring soulmate, the provider and protector who fought his demons till the bitter end. He loved me so hard and deeply, was my best friend and confidante, and he loved me JUST AS I AM, the way no one else ever could. Never made me change, never criticized or belittled me, or expected anything other than my own magnificent self.  I celebrate him today and always. For, meeting him has made me a better woman. I've grown, I've cried, I've sobbed like a baby, become a hot mess, was confused and lost, and found my way (gratefully) through my grief journey, and 3 years later, I'm here to tell my story of victory. Trent I love you forever. I'm proud of who I've become through this process and what I've learned. I wouldn't change a single thing and I don't regret loving you.

So you see, this "grief work" is eternal. It never changes and it never goes away. Our loved one(s) walk beside us daily. We learn as we go, pick ourselves up off the ground and straighten ourselves out. We chide ourselves for not being "over it yet" and how dare we cry silently in secret corners or private rooms when we've certainly had "long enough" to process and get over this thing called loss.

Don't beat yourself up and don't you dare chastise yourself for not wiping the slate clean. Your memories, feelings, emotions, love and passion are all VERY REAL AND VALID parts of the grief journey. Embrace who you are, always remember your loved one, and learn to welcome the flood of tears when they come. Because as they say, where there was GREAT LOVE there is also DEEP GRIEF. For sorrow is the price you must pay for loving someone so completely.

Finally, I'm here to commend and salute you for the courage you've shown in your grief work. Bravo!!! Round of applause! Keep going!!! It never ends, but it does get better, I promise you.

Cheering for you always,

RR xo