Lately I've been contemplating just how I'm able to get through most days of my life. Some are bright, sunny and filled with hope, while others are dark and barren, murmuring threats of failure and anguish. Sometimes the sadness consumes me out of nowhere, and I find myself struggling to catch my breath and finish the task at hand.
I have been crushed by the bitterness of death that shook me to my bones, made them ache internally and impacted every neuron and muscle in my body. The weight of that loss almost destroyed me. Just when I think, after 19 months, "Oh, I must be OVER IT"...another wave of grief comes crashing to my shoreline, sweeping me into its choppy current, drowning me.
You cannot escape grief. You can run, you can hide, but you CANNOT get away. GRIEF. Such a tiny word, yet it has MONUMENTAL impact on your life. It's in everything you do, every step you take and every breath you breathe. The power of grief is astounding. Once you experience YOUR FIRST TASTE OF LOSS, you will never be the same.
While it's true, each person's loss is as PERSONAL AS A FINGERPRINT, I am finding out, nearly two years later, just how important that statement is to me. Not a single day goes by that I do not think of Trent, or wish he were here. His face is the one I see when dawn's rays of light hit my eyelids each morning. Everywhere I go, he leaves me a dime at my feet. In a random parking lot, in the middle of an intersection, on the sidewalk, or outside the sub shop on my way to grab lunch. The man loves me so much, even in the afterlife, (bless his heart) he is STILL trying to get my attention! Tears brim my eyes now as I write this. My heart is so full of love for him, that the others who've tried to occupy a space in my heart since Trent's passing...well, they've fallen short. None have passed the iron gate that protects my heart and maintains his memory so deeply.
I've had friends in recent months lose someone who meant the world to them, and honestly, my heart aches for them. It's their FIRST MAJOR LOSS, the one that change their entire perspective about life and death. It's not easy, coming to terms with losing someone you loved. Everyday is a struggle, just to keep it together, to maintain your sanity. I really don't know how I've coped all this time without him. He was my soulmate, my twin, best friend, confidante, shoulder to cry on, coffee buddy, my escape from this mundane world, and he was my GLORIOUS FUTURE, which I'll never get to experience.
Losing someone isn't just about saying GOODBYE, oh no, it's all about all the million little things you cherished and loved about that person. Their goofy laugh, or the way they could cheer you up LIKE NO ONE ELSE, or the thousand memories you have about them, like an epic movie replaying in your head, day and night. You keep staring at your phone, hoping it will light up with their name and number, and your heart soars with the anticipation that you'll answer the call and hear them. But you know deep down, that's not possible. Because it's all a dream, a very bad dream. If only you could wake from this nightmare.
You will be reminded of your loss during future Christmas gatherings, because they are now absent, or the upcoming birthday where they won't be there to see the glittering candles on their cake. It's all about how their wisdom and advice will be missed most of all, when you need them to help you in a crisis, and they simply aren't there. Maybe you'll have a bad day and desperately ache to hear their voice. Your loss reminds you, OVER AND OVER again, that he or she isn't here, and man, IT SUCKS SO BAD. The only comfort in the midst of this ugly truth is that you were LOVED SO MUCH by them, and that is a fine thing indeed. Knowing that a very special human once graced your life and caused you to FEEL so much love and so much depth. It's breathtaking, really.
Now, as I sit here, wipe away tears and try hard to pull myself together, I'll think of My Trent, and I'll smile. Because that's what he would want for me. He would want me to be happy, and to carry on, despite his untimely departure, and I can still hear him grinning at me saying "Hey, Smiley" as we drove hand in hand down Interstate 505 in Northern California, en route to our favorite breakfast place, Black Oak restaurant, and that warm Sacramento sun would give my skin such a radiant glow. Those were the days, ah, yes. Nothing can match them.
I'll always cherish them, forever. Till my dying breath.
I hope you cherish your loved one always. With a monumental love and memory to last all time.
In sympathy,
RR xo
